The impossibility of "I am"

"Searching for meaning is philosophical suicide! How does anyone do anything while knowing the fleeting nature of existence." ~ The Good Place (TV Show)

I was watching that show and It reminded of phrases I heard from so many humans at various occasions, sentences such as

"I don't want to kill my self, I want to never have existed."

"I want to live, but I want to live without the existence of time."

"Sometimes I feel like me being a human was forced upon me and it's not fair."

I spend 99 percent of my time thinking about the philosophy of existence of life. I've talked no less than 10 people out of an existential crisis. I my self have found my self falling into the bottomless pit of thinking about death.

So here I write my thoughts on that pesky little existential crisis we have every now and again.

The way I see life is not through the lens of optimism or the shade of pessimism. I don't think the world a good or a bad place. I don't think life in its self is a privilege as it's given to an uncountable number of beings. I do wake up every day amazed though. Not by the thought of being human, but by a single thought.

13.7 billion years ago, a dense hot mess of energy exploded and matter and anti-matter started colliding and cancelling each other out. Hydrogen was born and formed stars that cooked it into heavier elements. Those stars, the size of which we can't even begin to fathom, exploded shattering their guts into the universe and forming other stars, which cooked other elements and exploded and collided and shattered. Stars the size of a million suns collapsing on themselves creating points of infinite densities, so dense that light can't even go through. Those points of infinite density being the centre of limitless galaxies, dancing around each other with a cosmic rhythm that is orchestrated by gravity. Planets swirling around suns at different speeds and distances, being bombarded by cosmic phenomena feeding them the elements that lead to the existence of what we call life. Events on a massive scale leading all the way back to the beginning of the universe. The atoms that make up my body were cooked in stars so far back in history that I can only imagine how long ago it was. I wasn't the mistake of two humans copulating, I have been billions of years in the making. Galaxies send their light to me from billions of years ago and I virtually travel through time. For every 10 billion anti-matter particle there was a 10 billion and one matter particle..... for reasons no one knows.

That's what keeps me going. The fact that I get think about that, the fact that I know that I wasn't a mistake made by two humans copulating, that every atom that makes me had been billions of years in the making. The universe made me so I can think about and understand it. I'm those stars and those particles and those black holes and that gravity and those cosmic events. Through some impossibility of matter winning over anti-matter I get to be atoms created in the beginning of the universe in the shape of  human consciousness so it would try to understand itself. Through impossibility... I'm the universe trying to understand itself. Through impossibility..... I can think and feel and love and cry and even die. I live to think of the impossibility which made everything what it is. I live to think of The impossibility of "I am".    

My sane search for insanity (final part)

"I'm having recurring dreams" he told me or was it a she?

There were so many of them that they're faces blend together and they become mere cases, illnesses and thoughts. They become different realities.

"What is the dream?" I asked, knowing well what was his reality, but my curiosity pushed the words out of my mouth.

"I'm in it right now, I get into the dream and then I'm in a small room, two people come to me and they guide me here, and then I talk with you and then I go back into my room and only when I lay down on my bed and close my eyes, I wake up."

"Why do you think this one is the dream and the other one is the reality?"

In the past I used to try to show him why this is real life. I tried to show him how I can control my movement, how I can eat and drink and breath, how I can go wherever I want, but he was never convinced.

"I don't think, I know!"

"How do you know?"

"Because this 'reality' as you call it is too limited. When I wake up, I can do anything I want. Here I'm tied to the ground with invisible strings, in the other one I can fly anywhere! Here i'm limited by blocks of things, In the other one I can go through them, move them around, control them completely! I can breath underwater there and eat whatever I want from wherever I want"

"But you can't control it."

"Can you control yours?"

I didn't know how to answer him.... Could I? Could I actually control my reality any more than he could. Could I leave right now and run through the streets to wherever the wind takes me. Could I live without air, food or water. I can't even light a cigarette right now because we're indoors.

"So.... do you have control over yours?"

I stared at him, her, them... it didn't matter.

"No I don't. Not more than you do. But the way I know this is the reality is because I share it collectively with other people."

"There are people in my reality too."

"Are they consistent people? Are they the same people? Are they good people?"

"Are yours?"

They're really not, I thought to my self. But I couldn't tell him that, I couldn't feed his insanity, or was he feeding mine? I needed my assurance so I looked up at death. Death's face was an inch away from mine, and it was my own. I looked back at the reality that sat in my office and it was me, death was me, reality was me, and I was me.

Realities blended and I lived them all. In my sane search for insanity, insanity found me to be me and I lost my way to sanity. I found many variations of insanity in my search but I never found an insanity more insane that sanity. I found many realities in my search but I never found any realities more real than Death.    

High thoughts of a universe

"First the big bang then stars exploded cooking ligh elements into heavy element. elements all ove

then stars collapsed to have a blackhole. Blackhole pulled a lot of celestial objectst and created galasies, galaxy accelarete because other stars explode and push them away more stars explode and more collapse making more blackholes and pushing farth

that's why stars accelatet, they move faster because stars are still exploding

If all stars that exploded were placed before galaxy, which makes sense according to E=mc2
i.e: the more energy you had (heat) which if you're closer to the centre of the big bang you'll have more, then the stars will explode closer to the centres and push galaxies further.. what we now attribute to dark energy

why haven't we seen the explosion? A: amongst the many light the small explosions are not visible B: they exploded but they look still lit because of the fact the the light from their explosion hasn't reached us yet

C: the explosions happens the same time stars form thus looking as if fading and appearing again

That's why gravity is weaker, all these explosions pulling away black holes away from us, and since gravity is infinite at a centre of a blackhole those blackholes are pulling us towards them and we try to fight that, so most of the gravity is spent towards not flying into a blackhole allowing the other forces to work as strongly as they are, because gravity is doing the work for them and they get to focus on bonding elements together and whatnot.

how to unite gravity with other forces? since gravity is much weaker only becaus it's fighting the rapid expansion of the universe, if we were able in a lab to isolate that (apply a force so gravity can feel free to not fight black holes) we can see what that would like, however gravity is infinite at the center of a blackhole, so that would create infinite gravity and kill us all

gravity is not weaker, it literally can reach infinity which makes it the strongest, the problem is, if unleashed it will swallw us all, it's literally the strongest force in the univere, capable of destroying space its self

what happened before the big bang? A: multiverse B: Gravity, gravity has always been there, it became infinite and exploded C: our universe is the only matter that survived without antimatter from another universe and so on

D: a star from another universe

Comedy for me ...... A personal story about Syriasly..

The 8th of September of 2017... That' A date that has an amount of meaning that can't be put into words.

I sat backstage with an interviewer asking me questions about comedy, I was so nervous and excited I honestly don't know what I answered.

But first let me take you back a little bit, to a few years ago....  The 8th of May of 2014:

I had been riding around my bike about a week earlier and wandered into this comedy cafe who had an open mic in a week. I walked in and wrote down my name, and I'll always remember the feeling I had.

"I can do this, it's ok. I have some friends here and it's low stakes, if it doesn't work it doesn't work you know. Oh my god he's calling my name, why did I agree to do this? It's fine just focus... ok you should start talking now... ok I'm talking... holy shit no one is laughing...... just go on keep talking oh wait! Holy shit they're laughing! This feels awesome! Keep talking make another joke, oh my god they're clapping... ok keep going and the show is over, wait I am out of material was that long enough, oh yeah the red light is here ok it's good... end on a laugh.... and boom!" 

I walked down stage people were giving me high five, I got a hug there, a fist pump there. I went out of the room, sat down and had a smile on my face of which I was very aware.

"What is this feeling I have? How can I be this happy, this isn't happiness this is euphoria.. this is... abnormal. This is it! Right now I know what I want to do with my life! I wanna make people laugh, It's a bit premature to say this but I don't think I can not do this again... I HAVE to do this again and again and again.... I'm in love right now"

And what followed that moment were years of writing, re-writing, and performing and rejections... god so many rejections especially as a Syrian stand up comedian . life came by and yanked me away from comedy for almost a full year but the flame never died... It never could.

The thought that I can get people from different cultures, different worlds, and different societies under one world and say something to them that makes them all laugh.... I feel like I'm unifying humanity in a concept of thought and happiness. When they look at me and I hear their laughter... I shiver at the beauty that's being created within that moment.

So if you ask me about Comedy I'll tell you what Comedy is.

Comedy is a school of thought, it's the school of thought that show it doesn't matter where you come from, who you are, what you believe in, when you laugh you laugh with one heart.

That is why I fought through every no, I fought through every "Focus on school this is just hobby." through every "You know how hard it is to make it in this business?" Through every "Your hobby won't pay to the bills."

And through all that I never had a doubt that for me Stand-Up Comedy is not a hobby, it's not a job, it's not even a passion. It's a calling. 

And finally on the 8th of September of 2017 I was ready to share my special with people and I called it Syriasly

http://yabangee.com/syriasly-stand-special-yota-sahnesi/

let me share with you my stream of consciousness throughout that day

"oh my god it's here, it's here it's here it's here. I'm doing this, this is real I'm actually doing this. How long is left? oh daym there's only an hour left, is everything set up does the sound work are there people? where is everybody? oh no people came what if they don't like it? they'll like it! I'm fine, I'm fine.... I haven't felt in this in so long, this is better than anything I can imagine. Ok they want to interview me, they're asking me questions I should probably answer, I don't even know what i'm talking about... oh my god I heard my name called to the stage... I can hear my heart beating in my head. I'm on stage, they're looking at me. The music is playing..... this is what it feels like then, to know that your life has amounted to something, ok go to the mic, hold the mic up.....It's show time!"

I don't remember the event completely, I was so in the zone that I just let the deepest part of my brain, the one that longs for comedy and helps me define my self take over, and I talked and they laughed, all of them laughed, different people, different ages, different beliefs and they all laughed and they clapped. At that moment, in that theatre, people were united by laughter and I felt like if I never do anything again, if all I did with my life was to unite these people with laughter until that roof, that means my life has been  meaningful.

So I'll always do comedy, I'll always unite people, I'll always crave for laughter and enjoy the smiles. Because for me... it's a calling.   

My sane search for insanity (Part 2)

"They talk to me," said Eugene Hadel. "they choose me out of all the others."

I liked Eugene, he was a smart fellow, worked for a tech company as a coding expert. His boss started getting suspicious when he started inserting puzzles inside his codes. The boss thought it was a joke at first until Eugene started drawing jigsaw puzzle pieces randomly around his office. He has never been violent all he really needs is a puzzle and he's fine, he's done over 50 in the three months he's been here.

"Do they tell you anything specific?" I asked.

"They said you'll say that, you see you don't understand, only I do." He said.

I've lost count of how many clients of mine used the phrase "Only I understand." it was almost as if a door has been opened in their mind that made them believe that they transcended into a higher level of understanding. I sometimes think that they actually have. I find my self always questioning if what we call insanity is just the next step in evolution. I'm certain if a scientist from our time were to travel just 50 years back and show the scientific prowess that we achieved he might be burned for witchcraft. What my client said next was one of the most interesting things I heard a client say

"You see there is nothing specific, everything is connected it's all all. We're all just one big puzzle, fitting together perfectly without a single hitch. Do you know that the universe is expanding?"

"Wow! Yes I do know that. How is that related?"

"The "universe" isn't expanding at all. it's all just a big puzzle still being put together. And each of those pieces is a puzzle and it goes on and on and on and on. You see people think it's atoms and explosions and physics.... idiots. They're just not listening."

"I'm listening to you, and let me tell you a secret. People don't listen to me either, so how about we make a deal, you listen to me and I listen to you?"

"I would like that he said."

I convinced to take his medicine and participate in some activities with the other patients. But what he said about the universe astounded me, for him to lucidly understand that the universe is expanding and that people attribute it to laws of physics.... I wonder about the depth of his knowledge. I tried to pull it out of him but for the rest of the session he only talked about the puzzle he's doing and how it's nicer to him than the last one he did.

I watch him leave and with him his reality, the clock ticked again and death smiled at me. He reassured me of my sanity as a different reality entered my door......   

My sane search for insanity (Part 1)

I don't know why I'm writing this, my brain sometimes tells me to do things and I just don't want to argue with it. Just pick your battles. I sometimes argue with it when it tries to keep me up at night or almost missing my train stop. Different kind of battles though, on the train I pinch my self or pace up and down to stay in the moment. So it wouldn't go into what I call "The inside". At night the battle is much easier, four to five scotch glasses usually do the trick. Though you might be asking your self, whoever finds this diary, why a therapist wouldn't prescribe herself pills? I find that a doctor addicted to sleeping pills is a bit too...... romantic for my taste. The scotch hasn't failed me so far so whatever works. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's to help me find insanity properly. I deal with it daily, but it's so detached from humans or emotions or even a state of being. I deal with insanity as a profound concept. Almost as an element of the "Universe". And I use the word "Universe" loosely, but that's a topic for another day. Insanity though.... that concept, that thought, that....thing, it haunts me. I see it in my "Patients" in their faces. Their faces blend, they are all here whenever one of them is. In this room where reality belongs to whoever is in it. Different realities come and go and come again. All of them feel as real to their owner as yours feels to you or as mine feels to mine. Brain after brain creating worlds and destroying them. Why does the world reality exist when no two can agree on what is real?

It doesn't matter anyways! Death wins in the end. He died and she died and my lover died and they all died. Maybe "To Die" shouldn't be a verb, death happens all the time. It's the only reality. The clock has stricken and another face blends with the others, his reality enters the room and stays as long as him and as he leaves death follows. Not too close and not too far but always there.

And I ask why? Is it to satisfy a broken heart or the insatiable senses. He looks at me everyday and he is beautiful. I can't imagine seeing all those faces without him there to reassure me, when they lay down on my couch I look up at him and he smiles and nods as the face’s reality plays out but never amounts to anything. And thank you I say... Thank you for keeping me sanity. For I know as much as I search for insanity if I keep my eye on the truth, the one truth and the only truth, I won't be lost. Death will come and that's a truth that gives me perspective. Ah another one has come, I like this one he talks to jigsaw puzzles... let's see what he'll teach me about his reality.....

I don't want to say goodbye

I don't want to say goodbye as I leave, it never made sense to me. Good....... Bye.
I don't want to acknowledge my departure verbally and claim that it's good. because it's a bye.
Because byes aren't good, mostly not. bad is a bye, good it never is. why do i speak like that, my brain jumps at thinking to byes and good and bad. As I walk away I don't want to guess that it's good because it might be great, or bad, or bye or hello and it's all there. As I leave I want to look at the world in silence as my brain digests what happened in the happening of what occurred and will happen and what could have would have might have and should have happened. It wants it all, it doesn't want the good of the bye it wants the bad of it and the much and the little and the more and the why? why? that's what it wants, that's what I want! WHY? wHy? whY? it asks i ask we ask we find we lose we cry... so much tears we cry. I find it funny, water comes out of our head... is that how primitive our emotions are? money and tears and gifts we use. And yet we say goodbye when we leave loved ones. Does our language mean nothing anymore? We say see you again when we don't know we will. we say that was great when it was only ok.. ok is ok it should be ok, ok is safe it's smart. Great is dangerous... Great can be greatly horrible, it should be greatly horrible, it all should be. language play, great Greatly horrible, I find it all in my brain to play with. like a jigsaw puzzle always painting the wrong picture. the music of the guitar plays as the puzzles fit together in a tortured brain, i don't like to say soul. soul is weird, inexplicable, brain is fun, it's interesting. It works. I wanna leave, go far away, my brain wants it. and when i do i won't say good bye, i won't shed a tear or say see you again. I want to be honest I want to say I probably will never see you again, this could be good or a bad bye and my tears are digest into piece puzzles that fall out of my mouth. so no... no i don't want to say goodbye.   

All I wanted to hear

I share my story with you, my paper. I write using the ink that I can barely afford listening to music through the radio for lack of a better option. I write on you not because I hope someone will read it. I write on you because the emotions that I have are too beautiful to be deprived of their immortalization by words.

It's funny how sometimes walks into your life, and hits you like a bullet train carrying you of your feet and swiping you across domains you never even know existed. If funny is the right word for having the fabric of your life torn apart and the most majestic way imaginable. Sometimes they don't even walk in, they merely pass by and their aura carries you up,up and away.

I met someone recently, someone on whose life I had no impact but had a massive impact on mine. A stranger who passed by my life like a shadow. A shadow that haunted, haunts, and will haunt me till the day I die. "I've been in love before." Is a sentence I idiotically uttered here and there like a blabber mouth. "Yes I do like her." That garbage also came out of my malignant word generating hole. But then she walked in into my life, the grace of a dancer and the strength of a bull. And what's insane is that she didn't even walk into the circle of my life, she skipped on the outskirts just outside the fence. I saw her there hopping up and down without a single care in the world. My reality bent upon it's self and her eyes were burnt into my memory. When she talked to me for the first time, her smile made me reinvent the definition of beauty in my head. Not because of it's perfection or aesthetics, no it was far from that. It was because of the purity of it. It seemed as if it came from somewhere beyond humanity where love resides. Her words pierced through my ears like bullets of truth and lodged in my brain. Her touch felt like the end of humanity and the purpose of the universe.

Slowly but surely she walked out. Not eagerly or uncomfortable, she just continued skipping. "I know what I want" Was also ridiculous sounds that escaped my useless body. But I didn't know what I want, I didn't know what I want until I heard my heart sing with joy at the thought of her existence. I closed my eyes, and all my senses embodied her, took her imperfections and flaws and idiotically disregarded them until she became this perfect entity. This incomparable goddess that can reach into my soul and pull the darkness. My mind knew better but my heart knew stronger. 

Dear paper, I don't want her. It's dangerous for me to want her. Me wanting her would be like Icarus wanting to fly into the sun. I don't want her, dear paper, but I want the idea of her. I want the feeling of her. I want the image of her. What do I want? I want to see someone who makes me feel like she did. And now oh just now I know, I've never been in love before. I've loved! but never been in love! I tolerated and enjoyed! But I never liked! Now I know, my heart knows what love really is. I know what it really feels like to want something, what it's like to look at someone for the first time and say "All I wanted to hear my entire life...........is 'Yes' coming from your lips"        

Comedy, Sexism or Truth? A personal story.

I never post anything personal in this blog, I don't know why. But yesterday I went through an experience that kept me up at night and that sparked various arguments, discussions and controversy. Which is an experience I would like to share with whomever may want to read. 

Preface:

 Yesterday 23/5/2017 I had an experience I've never had before in my life, someone hated me because of what I said on stage. Now I'm gonna be a little bit up close and personal and also as objective as I can in this post, It's gonna be a long and personal one so tread lightly. Through out this narrative I'll be writing transcripts of what I said on stage.

Recently I've been going through quite a bit of turmoil. I lost my job, I had a few very bad run ins with some ladies which broke my heart and I generally felt bad about my self. Which is saying a lot because I generally enjoy who I am and what I do and have a happy-go-lucky attitude towards life. With the exception of course of when I write about suicide, or discrimination, or death.....you know the usual stuff. Anyways I was feeling bad. So I did what I do when I'm feeling bad, I watched stand up comedy.

Now I watch stand up comedy like it's my religion, I watch it when I'm ill, when I'm tired, when I'm happy, when I'm sad. In sickness and in health.... I do. And of course as a comic my self it inspires me to write jokes, which always makes me feel better. And since I had a few bad run ins with the ladies lately I wrote a few jokes about women and this is where things got interesting.

I'll admit to this. I wrote that material not from a place where I usually write my material. I wrote it from that dark place where we all go to when we get hurt. You know that place, we all go to it, I've seen numerous people go to it. 

It's the place where someone hurts you and you go to "It's them, they're horrible people and they should be ashamed of themselves. I'm certain they do all this time and they're a horrendous existence."

Now that place isn't a place where generally comedy comes from. But to be honest I've gotten some pretty good material out of there, like when I talk about my parents for example or about being Syrian or short! So I've written some material about ladies and I will not deny this, it made me feel good to take it out of my chest and put it on paper. But most of it was still in my chest so I needed to put it on stage.

The events of "THE NIGHT!" :

I went to a spoken word event in which usually every body is praised for their bravery and being themselves. Which I completely and absolutely agree with. And I think women should be complimented just for going outside because the world is sadly so unsafe for them and I said that on stage. That being said, because of the amount of hurt I was feeling I felt like a simple truth applied and should always apply because it's the truth and the truth was as I said on stage

"Women are not perfect! Not because they're women because they're human! Don't you think a woman ever forgot her keys? Or got drunk and texted an EX? Or farted in an elevator? Can we agree that women aren't perfect?"

And the crowd was dead silent........ not even a single one of them said yes. Which stirred an anger in me I've never felt before. How is it possible that in a group of almost 50 adults not a single one of them would agree with a single, simple fact? Now when I discussed this later with the intelligent people I keep around me whom I call friends. They said that they didn't agree because they didn't know how this information will be used. Or where I'm going with this. But to me it was a simple fact that was stated, where can I possibly go with this? I stated a fact that people aren't perfect. And I eradicated sexism from it by saying (It's because they're human) right then and there admitting that no one is perfect. But the crowd pulled back and no one answered. So I thought I owed them an explanation, I thought I owed them an introduction to my self so I said :

 "Physically women feel unsafe and are in danger all the time. Which makes me feel bad and I sympathize with you"

Now for those of you who know me, and a lot of them did, they know how I feel about women, they know that I stand up for women.

Sexism : ingrained and institutionalized prejudice against or hatred of women;misogyny.

That's one definition of sexism on dictionary.com. Now there were people in that crowd who knew it's impossible that I'm a misogynist! Even if they didn't know me they heard what I said, they literally just heard me say I sympathize with you. And for those who know me they know that I put my self in physical danger to protect a female friend of mine. She was drunk and being groped, so I put my self between her and the man. Who was twice my size because I'm a small fellow, but I stood there and said "you gotta get through me first." I've always had a thing for the dramatic. Anyways after I said that in the set, I asked if they agreed with me on this. But they still didn't answer... They didn't agree with me that I sympathize with them which made feel hurt.

 Now as a writer and an actor my emotions take the best of me sometime so I got a little emotional. Because women hurt me so much, intentionally or unintentionally, in the past few weeks that I needed someone to sympathize with me. But I got nothing. So I started the bit which I'll write down here

"Emotionally women are devious and evil. I've seen a woman walk into a man's life, assassinate his sexual identity, murder him as a human, cripple his ability to love or be loved and walk the other side un-fucking-touched. While wearing high heels. Women are so powerful that they can hurt a man while telling them that they like him, they can say 'I like you as a friend' and it's like a harpoon to the chest. And the scariest part is that they're actually trying not to hurt him. A woman can hurt you while trying not to hurt you! that is terrifying! That is some superman shit right there. I've seen women manipulate men into changing careers which changed the course of history."

And here's the main part of the material. The part which raised the question which got talked about for hours afterwards. Was it sexist? Was it comedic? Was it true?

Let's break it down:

Sexism: discrimination or devaluation based on a person's sex or gender, as in restricted job opportunities, especially such discrimination directed against women.

Was it sexist?

A: I didn't say that women don't have rights.
B: I didn't say that women should be treated differently.
C: I didn't say that women shouldn't have jobs.
D: I didn't say that men are better than women in anyway.
E: I didn't say that men don't manipulate women.
F: I didn't say that men are innocent in all of this.

So I didn't discriminate on women based on their sex or gender. Which is the definition of sexism.

Was it comedic?

I don't know that's for you to decide. Depends on your sense of humor, what you find funny etc..

Was it true?

Did I see women destroy men emotionally?

 Yes I did. I've sat up with men through weeks while they tried to recover emotionally from an emotional shock that a woman caused. I've seen men being crippled by the friend zone. Which is again and as I said it's not the woman's fault. They hurt men while trying not to hurt them.

Did I see women manipulate men out of their career?

Yes I did. So many times I've seen men abandon their dreams for a woman. I've also seen women abandon their dreams for a man and I reprimanded both.

Did I get hurt by women who tried not to hurt me?

Yes I did. More than I can count I've been hurt by women who were nothing but nice to me, but I got hurt because they felt differently about me that I wished they did. Again women has been in that situation too.

Conclusion:

I would like to say something. I was simply talking about my experience. I don't think there's anything wrong with what women do to men, because men have done much much worse to women. The reason I talked about what I talked about is to try to comically view a social interaction, and if you read the transcript you'll see that I haven't used the word wrong once. Now I said that women are evil but common the word "Evil" is comical. No one has ever hurt me by calling me evil. I also said women are devious. Which was a bit of an overkill and I feel that it clouded the rest of the performance or made everything else I said sound worse. And that and only that is the only statement I will apologize for.

Women I don't think what you do is wrong, I find the social interaction of how it happens funny. I condone your behavior sometimes because men can be mean and destructive too and I think that sometimes it's mean and destructive because we're all flawed. I didn't say what I said to try and change it. When I make jokes about me being short or being Syrian I don't want to change that into being tall or change world politics ,I just find the situation funny.

So let's agree to a conclusion, I'm not gonna write the conclusion my self because that's a bed self-evaluating and that's just dumb. So the facts are there. I talked about my experience with women, I said what's in my heart and I'm not gonna lie it felt good.  

Journey Through Empathy.

You have my blessing, I said, as he put his hand in the hand of the one for whom my soul aches.

I couldn’t hurt him, I thought, my self I can hurt. I can deal with the hurt for a friend’s sake.

I look into their eyes, those who are around me, and I hear their voices, I feel their pain.

I try to take the knife out of them and plunge it into my self. For which many think me insane.

My sanity is questioned indeed, but sanity has no merit when empathy faces your heart.

I hear their wounds, I smell their hurt, I touch the monster that pulls their souls apart.

What do I want? I’m asked. How do I feel? How do I breathe? And why do I know?

I know because my mind reaches out and fails leaving my heart to lead and sense their glow.

Dim, dark, gloomy, somber .... My heart aches and tries to shine a light.

In their darkness they see beauty, in their depth meaning and majestic they perceive their fight.

Pain shines through and pierces me, because their perception doesn’t change the facts.

It haunts my nightmares, makes my soul whither, I feel compelled to act.

Which is why I let go of what I love, of what I want and of what I desire.

As I open my hand and the rope of my love slides, my hands burn. They burn like hell-fire.

I hold on to the unbearable pain and I throw my rope their way to save them with all my force.

I catch them on the brink of the abyss, they yank at the rope and pull me down with no remorse.

As I fall I look up with a smile on my face, I made a difference, I threw the rope.

My heart's content but my mind tortures me. You fool! We’re falling! Is there now hope?

My mind and my heart never speak the same, I listen to them and they torture my soul.

My heart speaks of miracles and love and humanity and how empathy stands above all.

My mind speaks of logic and science and how we are all but doomed to fall.

My heart speaks of doom as a sign to love all things before it arrives.

My mind speaks of self love and one's own desires and drives.

You are stronger than I, confessed my heart, but in your strength a cross must you bear.

What cross speak you of? Asked my mind! Why must I deal with your grief that resides there?

The universe gives the most grief to those who could understand why. My heart thus spoke.

Paradoxes and romanticisms is all you can do! I debunk the universe! My mind thus spoke.

Mind and heart, heart and mind made and push and move me.

To whom do I belong? To whom do I listen? To whom do I bow?

To my heart which gives me empathy and cleanses my soul do I vow?

To my mind which gives me understanding and knowledge do I vow?

I close my eyes as I keep falling through the abyss and the sound of silence talked to me.

I am silence and I shall guide you and teach you to be free.

Through me you may look deep within, and there and only there lies the way.

Many have found themselves in me, you don’t hear me enough in the light of day.

Close your eyes young one and I shall numb your fall.

Deep within look and search only there you’ll find the answer to all.

I listened to the silence for the first time in years and within myself I searched.

On the journey within I found many friends and foes. To friends I bowed and the foes i purged.

My ears is where my journey began, but silence was all I could hear.

Ears, said I, much knowledge have I acquired through you but also much evil that I fear.

The journey continued to my eyes . Eyes, said I, I thank you for showing me which road do I take.

I carried on to my Nose. Nose, said I, I thank you for giving life to every move I make.

My mouth greeted I differently. Oh how much Evil spewed out of you, you malignant thing!

Oh how much I despise your lust for substances and only the best you require like a dirty king!

Only when you say Good do I admire you but even then you say it without ease.

Let me go on my journey you foul beast! My heart must I find and my soul must I release.

When I reached my heart I was frozen with shock and awe.

My mind did I find there hugging my heart like a friend and far far away from a foe.

What do you here? Demanded I to know.

Heart and mind looked at me and pulled me close. Come our friend, let us the road to you show.

They pulled me tight and told me to smile. Hand in hand they loved, hand in hand they hated.

Hand in hand my heart and mind gave me empathy, gave me pain, loved me and never faded.

Who is the my mind’s foe and my mind’s fiend? I asked them passionately.         

Only you create demons. Only you create battles. Only you and empathy.

  

        

Equality Unequalized

Jason left his Interview with the magazine feeling a bit unsure about it. He stepped into the street and immediately was faced by the hundreds of people going left and right, up and down, the honking of buses and cars dimmed sometimes by the rain which changed from heavy to light within minutes. He gave a sigh and then a little smile was drawn on his face “Oh Istanbul!” he muttered.

He decided to walk a bit in the rain, hugging his umbrella and trying to think things over. He spotted a little bar and even though it was 11 in the morning, ‘ A beer couldn’t hurt right about now ’ he said to himself. He walked to the almost empty bar, a few men sat around a table discussing something or another in Turkish. A waiter was cleaning and setting up the tables. Then he heard a language familiar to him “One Ballentine’s please, no ice.” He turned to the bar and saw a guy who looked like he’s in his early twenties. He walked to the bar and said ‘Make that two!’ and sat next to this lonesome drinker.

‘Scotch at 11?’ He said jokingly ‘Rough day?’

‘Rough month.’

Since the bar was empty their orders came before a third sentence was uttered. Jason held up his glass and said ‘I’ll drink to that.’

‘Cheers!’

There was a moment of awkward silence, Jason had missed the experience of drinking with a total stranger at a bar and telling him about his problems with no other motive than to talk about them. So he decided he might as well.

‘This city is driving me crazy man.’

‘Yeah. That’s what Istanbul does to ya. It makes you fall in love with it so hard and then tortures you for that love.’

‘Exactly! I never feel like I have enough time, I barely travelled last year! I have a few classes in Uni that are just too demanding. I want to visit my parents for the holidays but a flight to the States is just way too expensive! Thank god I was getting paid in Dollars in my last job.’

‘I don’t think God is the one who paid you, but sure.’

‘Hahaha yeah i guess you are right. It’s just this city moves so fast sometimes you lose track you know? Between the expensive rents and the ridiculous traffic.....’

The guy nodded his head and smiled and then took a sip from his drink. There was another moment of silence. Jason felt that somehow the guy couldn’t exactly relate to his problems. “I don’t get it,” Jason thought to himself “We’re both foreigners here, I’ve spoken to a lot of foreigners and they always seem to understand what I’m talking about. Maybe he’s the silent type or maybe he wants to know me first before talking, I didn’t even introduce myself.”

‘I’m Jason by the way!’ he extended his hand and his hand was met

‘Ahmed, nice to meet you.’  

‘Ahmed? Oh you’re Turkish! Wow you’re accent is great man.’

‘Not Turkish, Syrian.’

The moment Jason heard the word “Syrian” a bang went through his heart. He didn’t know how to respond exactly in that moment.

‘Nice too meet you.’ He said half cordially half nervously.

Silence befell the bar again

‘I don’t think I’ve ever met a Syrian who enjoys a good scotch before!’ He said jokingly.

Ahmed looked down at his glass, took a big sip and then looked up at Jason. They looked oddly similar for people who come from opposite sides of the world.

‘Tell me Jason, you like Ballentine?’

‘Love it!’

‘How many languages do you speak?’

‘Just English, and a bit Turkish.’

‘Are you Christian?’

‘Not sure anymore, maybe agnostic.’

‘You see Jason. You and I are similar. We have the same taste in scotch, we speak the same language with the exception that I also speak Dutch,French and Arabic. You’re an agnostic and I’m an atheist. But you and I we live in different worlds.’

‘Oh I’m sorry. You mean because of the war?’

‘Actually, the war had nothing to do with it, the way people reacted to that war was the problem! You told me about your problems. Let me contrast them with mine. You said you can’t visit your parents for the holidays. Mine stopped talking to me when I told them I’m an atheist, yet i still pay for half their rent because they’re incapable of doing that . You said rents are expensive? My salary is laughable because there’s literally no one to fight for my rights so I can barely survive. You complain about traffic? Sometimes I stay at home instead of going to an event to save the 5 liras that the metro costs. You said you barely travelled last year? I can’t have a passport because I refused to go the military service in Syria and now they refuse to issue me a passport. The “ID card” that the Turkish government gave me doesn’t allow me to leave Istanbul even.’

Jason was silent for a moment he couldn’t think of anything to say at that moment.

Ahmed stood up, put his coat on, drank the last of his scotch, looked at the bartender and said, ‘We’re even for setting up your wireless network’ then he looked at Jason and said ‘You see man, you’re an expat here. I’m a prisoner.’

Then he patted Jason on the back and walked out into the rain with his worn out leather jacket and without an umbrella. He walked into the city that entrapped, charmed and tortured him to fight the next battle while Jason decided where his next holiday destination will be.

The unanswerable question

"Why??!!"

 She yelled at the top of her lungs, not paying attention to the rain falling upon her forcefully, almost as if some hidden power was trying to silence her. "Why???!!" she insisted.

But no answer came, there was no possibility of an answer to come for there was no one there on that rooftop but her. She looked at the cloudy sky trying to peer through the fierce rain, wind blowing in her face making every breath that much harder.

"I can't know! Why can't i know!"

The sky roared at her as she looked at it defiantly while panting hysterically.

" I have this..... consciousness. Which was enforced upon me through no choice of my own and then I have to deal with it. I have to listen to it constantly picking at the one question. The one question that drove many a man into MADNESS!"

She kept yelling at the sky without a soul to hear her. She yelled and waved and jumped frantically.

"I can know anything!" she held out her phone, a single light shone from it in the empty darkness that encompassed her.

"look here" she said holding up to the sky "I can get any answer to anything, on anything, any time! but not that question, I've searched and searched and searched..... I CAN'T FIND IT!"

She throw her phone off the building and watched the light getting dimmer and dimmer as it sank into the darkness of the street.

"I'm going to know, you can't stop me from knowing. The question will be answered, nothing else interest me, nothing gives me satisfaction!"

She stood on the ledge, she didn't even catch her breath to think. She leaned over and turned around to look at the sky, the fall was deep and she felt the rain pouring on her as the wind howled in her ears. "I will know...." was the last word she uttered.

 

Hypotheticisim

Hypotheticisim

By definition, the word Hypotheticism refers to a psychological compulsion of existing in and experiencing the hypothetical rather than the real moment.

I started, dear reader, a little bit dryly in this piece… a random definition of a non-existent illness. Well, excuse my impatience because this which I’m about to tell hasn’t been spoken about, written about or talked about. There is a reason behind it… there is a reason why many people live in the future rather the present.

Those of us who have been blessed with intelligence, suffer from a bliss that is blissfully insufferable. To have that cognitive powers to rely on, sometimes can be priceless. The intellectuals often find themselves owing the smooth navigation in life to their intellect and intellect only. It’s like a net upon which one can very trustingly fall. You simply close your eyes and listen to the majestic brain which inhibits that vessels of a body and it tells you exactly how to survive. It’s nothing less than marvelous. However there is a downfall to that beautiful machine… tediousness.

You see, dear reader, the brain, specifically the intelligent brain, can’t be stopped from computing. It’s always turning thoughts up and down, in an out. If there is an input it takes that input and analyses it to the point beyond raw data. That input becomes chewed up pieces of knowledge floating gently upon the sea that never rests. And if there is no input…….the brain just turn against its self and starts masticating information from within but soon finds that it’s not enough…. The tediousness of now overwhelms it so it starts to draw…. Draw the future.

Millions and thousands of millions of hypothetical situations runs through the brain of the intellectual. Every second branches into different world in which endless scenarios play out differently and in more interesting ways each time. And suddenly the brain finds its self with endless information to feed on. Endless yes… but non-existent. And that endlessness of information creates an addiction, an addiction that can’t be matched by any amount of actual information.. why settle for the finite when the infinite stands right there.

But that’s not where it stops, the brain tortures the intellectual with the massive amount of information until the intellectual feels like they need to silence it. Be it by bottle, substance or simply human interaction… it needs to be silenced before madness befalls them.

But the brain, the devious masterful crafty brain, it can’t be stopped. Even if you meet someone that brain of yours takes the info they give you and tries to construct a hypothetical situation in which your life consists of that information which they have provided. And thus you start throwing yourself in their shoes, feeling their pain, experiencing their very last thought in a raw sense that is beyond human capability. But it matters not to him, to the brain, as long as it’s fed, your emotions are yours to deal with and he won’t help you therewith.

That’s how Hypotheticisim is born.  The brain gets addicted to information and starts to masticate any information it can get its hands on. Be it real or not.

Many around us live with it without even being aware of it themselves, it drives them crazy and they don’t know why. They just feel an endless unrest and anxiety. But those people at the same time feel an odd compassion and empathy towards others that they also can’t be explained.

Now dear reader, being riddled with Hypotheticisim myself, I shall create the hypothetical situation and ask. Can it be gotten rid of? If one has Hypotheticism how can one free one’s self from descending into madness?

I fear I can’t satisfy your anxiety and give you a definitive answer. I can, however, lend you a hand and tell you what has helped me in experience. If your brain likes to feed on information, you need to be either giving it enough input, which is impossible, or releasing enough of to relieve that pressure that exists in the immense amount of data surging through your mind. How? Write my dear reader, write your thoughts, your feelings. If not writing then speaking, find a friend, a stage or a recorder and output as much of that insanity the lurks deep within your brain as possible.

In my endless struggle to find relief from my own brain, I find that companionship works best. A companion that finds your brain endlessly entertaining and inherently fascinating.  Then and only then you can find a momentarily relief, a moments escape of the hidden and underrated monster that doesn’t go by the name, because it’s utterly unknown, of Hypotheticisim.