The Quest For Death

Life came to me the only way she knows how, as a surprise. I didn't ask for her, no one does I guess.

When it came she brought with her friends,enemies, and complications. Complications that, simply, appeared before my eyes one day. I opened them and there she was. Fantastically huge and horrifyingly new. Everywhere I looked, life looked at back at me. Almost mockingly really. As if to say "I'm everywhere, and you can't run away."

 Even when I close my eyes and I try to go to sleep. She lives deep within my mind, relentless and unhinged. Every second of every day, there she exists.

I decided to go on a quest after years of holding Life's hands and feeling all that trouble that comes with this universal relationship that we all have. All the anxiety, pain, suffering and all the happiness, laughter and glee. It's a relationship just like any other with a lady as big is life itself because well.... she is. My quest was for death.

There's only one way to break up with Life, to get out of that relationship. You have got to meet Death. But lady Death is as illusive as she is inevitable. When i knocked on her door, she opened. Clad in black and scythe in hand.

"Help me!" I pleaded.
"It's not your time." she replied.
"Why? Why is it not my time? I'm ready!"
"It doesn't matter. It's not your time."

And suddenly I found myself back with Life.

What I did then,was try to find Time. Because I needed to convince Time to be mine. I needed it to be my Time. But how really can you find Time? How really can you knock at time's door? Knocking at Death's door is easy, knocking at Life's door is easier. But knocking at Time's door.......

I buried my self in metaphysics, philosophy, theology and every other science about time that I could think. I even turned to drugs to try to open my mind but it was all for naught. The knowledge of being enable to know drove me mad. So I knocked at Death's door again, she opened.

"It's not your time."
I begged her "Please take me, I'm done with this relationship."
"No, I can't take you before it's your time."
"Why are you such a stickler for time? What do you owe?"
"Because I and Life were created by Time and we live by it's law. We work simultaneously and side by side."
"Well, where is time then?"
"Our rivalry was frowned upon by Time and we were banished."
"Banished? Where to?"
"To the world! More accurately to the human mind. You see Life and you see Death. But Time decided to stay in the realm above. And it decided that nothing should ever touch it, understand it or control it"
"But Death, I have distorted time myself, I have taken drugs and that changed my perception of time."
"But you haven't changed it, you looked at it differently. Much like a child who thinks that their parent is large when in comparison they're small."
"What is time?"
"Time is everything, and it's the only thing. Life and Death are your window to witness Time. Because Time rules all and time ,by its well created, all. Before it there was nothing, and after it there will be nothing. Time gave you a gift. It gave you Life and it gave you itself. But time is tricky, time is the only thing that you have until it becomes yours. Because when it becomes yours, I become yours."

How my father's cancer affected me. And why his recovery didn't.

Cancer is one of those words that no one like to say, hear or think about. There's an underlying evil surrounding the word, whenever you hear someone has it you imagined death standing behind them. Scythe in hand, big ominous smile, red eyes piercing your soul and the world turns grey.

It's rare to catch a death in a hesitant state like that. I've dealt with death before, but it had always been with his magnificently executed, and already done, handy work. Never saw her actually in action. It's almost attractive watching it. My father was diagnosed with cancer a few month ago and the second I heard that I saw her. Death looked at me

It was so odd, I've always viewed death as a pertinacious force. Comes, reaps, smiles, nods and leaves. When she nods, you nod back in respect. But this time it just lurked.. almost precariously.

When I heard about his cancer a sense of restlessness befell me. I never even liked the guy really, nor he me. But thanks to good old evolution I'm apparently supposed to be threaten when my genetic predecessor is ill because that means I'm susceptible. Or at least that's how I rationalised being part carefree part depressed. I know, how can you not care and be depressed at the same time you ask. Well I honestly don't know, and not knowing made me feel angry. Not really being as sad as I should be lead to guilt. The amount of sadness I had ended up in depression that didn't really help the guilt. So I end up feeling depressed, guilty and angry.

Not angry at the world or at a fictional creature that gave my dad cancer, there's a perfectly rational reason why he got cancer. Not he the individual, he a human. But angry at my self for not knowing why I'm angry and that's a dangerous slope.

I alienated people, lost some friendships, destroyed relationships.Eventually I stopped writing, stopped recording my podcast, barely made it out of the door most days. Made his illness about myself and felt even more guilty about that.

But here's the great news, he's better. He did his surgery tomorrow and the doctor said in a few months he should be back to his old self, the old self I didn't like and still don't.

When they rolled my dad back from surgery, I was there in the room, I looked at my mother's face and it was easily a 9 on the happiness scale. I swear she looked younger when she saw him. I didn't even need to look at my face to know that it didn't even twitch, my heart told me that.

I watched as the colours seep back into my mother's world... I actually saw her pupils widen and let those colours splash back into her mind. And I looked at death dragging behind him, looking disappointed. She nodded respectfully at the doctor, he nodded back. She recognised that he won a battle, he recognised that she'll win the war. And she looked at me and winked mischievously.

I don't know why she did that, I feel like she wanted to tell me that we have an unspoken connection, like I know that she's there, she's not going anywhere. She just went to grab a cup of coffee and she'll be right back, she'll be everywhere always and forever.

His illness made me stare in her eyes, it showed me the grey. His recovery didn't bring back the colours it merely put them in perspective. I'm glad he's ok, I might even dare say I'm happy for him and my mom. But I've already peaked in her eyes, we made that unbreakable bond, the bond we all try to avoid.

Yeah I'll be back to my old self soon, I'm already writing, planning to do the podcast again, maybe try to fix some of the relationships I messed up. But that bond, that wink she threw me... that'll live with me until it's time for our date.