Yesterday I was chatting with a friend and he said "I listened to your podcast" and I said "What podcast?"
I had completely forgotten that I had started a podcast. I have hundreds of unfinished short stories and novels, my blog gets a visit from me once every blue moon. Why is that? My beautiful bipolar brain.
Many times I've made big plans to start a new project, but sometimes there are so many ideas in my head all of which are unfinished and every time a new idea comes it gets abandoned half way for another one and another one and another one. Imagine children running out of school on friday, that's how thoughts feel in my head sometimes, just racing thoughts all of them blurry and random and none of them have a beginning or an end or any logic or reason whatsoever. My mind is so scattered sometimes that even if i try to write things down, by the time I have 5 words down about my new idea for a novel my brain is already analyzing why captain america didn't become the king of Asgard. Hypomania means having one thought and being able to complete but the evil counterpart of that, which terrifies me, is something that's called Dysphoric Hypomania.
Dysphoric Hypomania is the obsession over one thought and the inability to get rid of it. It becomes like a haunting in your brain that you can't shake or move on from and it is debilitating. I often find myself for hours on end unable to get rid of one thought and it is always horrifying "I'll never be able to achieve my goals" is a thought that I'm sure has passed through your brain every once in a while, or something that you think about sometimes and then try to create a solution for.
For me, I could be having a good day, skipping around like an idiot, whistling the harry potter theme song. Letting my brain run amock when it turns a corner and there it is. A gigantic monster, with eyes like the devil staring right into my soul, "REPEAT AFTER ME," It whispers in my ears through it's telepathic abilities "YOU'LL NEVER BE LOVED." and then that same monster turns into mist and engulfs me, until everything around me is black, all i see is darkness and all I hear is "YOU'LL NEVER BE LOVED : BECAUSE YOU NEVER FINISH ANYTHING" and then "YOU'LL NEVER BE LOVED: BECAUSE YOU'RE SO SMALL" and It goes on and on and on for days and sometimes weeks on end, and when that happens I truly can't think of anything else. It consumes my being as a whole and incapacitates me.
Now i'm not gonna say that I've found the solution for this, but here's what I personally do. I'm what knows as a Rapid Cycling Bipolar, which means my depressive and manic episodes tend to last 2-3 month each or sometimes even less. Through a lot of therapy I've been trying to learn to spot those patterns and get my work done when I'm manic and allow my self to not get anything when I'm depressive. The problem with that is if you don't know that you're bipolar and you suddenly become to depressed to do anything, the fact that you're not doing anything makes you feel more depressed and it becomes a vicious cycle of depression,inability to act, more depression and so on.
So I allow myself to not do anything, sometimes for weeks on end, which seems lazy to people and which also add to the magnificent monster in my head "YOU'RE LAZY" but I try to let myself ride the wave until my manic comes and get work done there.
So here it is, I just wanted to share what it's like in the bipolar brain sometimes. It's not pretty I know, but it is beautiful.
I had completely forgotten that I had started a podcast. I have hundreds of unfinished short stories and novels, my blog gets a visit from me once every blue moon. Why is that? My beautiful bipolar brain.
Many times I've made big plans to start a new project, but sometimes there are so many ideas in my head all of which are unfinished and every time a new idea comes it gets abandoned half way for another one and another one and another one. Imagine children running out of school on friday, that's how thoughts feel in my head sometimes, just racing thoughts all of them blurry and random and none of them have a beginning or an end or any logic or reason whatsoever. My mind is so scattered sometimes that even if i try to write things down, by the time I have 5 words down about my new idea for a novel my brain is already analyzing why captain america didn't become the king of Asgard. Hypomania means having one thought and being able to complete but the evil counterpart of that, which terrifies me, is something that's called Dysphoric Hypomania.
Dysphoric Hypomania is the obsession over one thought and the inability to get rid of it. It becomes like a haunting in your brain that you can't shake or move on from and it is debilitating. I often find myself for hours on end unable to get rid of one thought and it is always horrifying "I'll never be able to achieve my goals" is a thought that I'm sure has passed through your brain every once in a while, or something that you think about sometimes and then try to create a solution for.
For me, I could be having a good day, skipping around like an idiot, whistling the harry potter theme song. Letting my brain run amock when it turns a corner and there it is. A gigantic monster, with eyes like the devil staring right into my soul, "REPEAT AFTER ME," It whispers in my ears through it's telepathic abilities "YOU'LL NEVER BE LOVED." and then that same monster turns into mist and engulfs me, until everything around me is black, all i see is darkness and all I hear is "YOU'LL NEVER BE LOVED : BECAUSE YOU NEVER FINISH ANYTHING" and then "YOU'LL NEVER BE LOVED: BECAUSE YOU'RE SO SMALL" and It goes on and on and on for days and sometimes weeks on end, and when that happens I truly can't think of anything else. It consumes my being as a whole and incapacitates me.
Now i'm not gonna say that I've found the solution for this, but here's what I personally do. I'm what knows as a Rapid Cycling Bipolar, which means my depressive and manic episodes tend to last 2-3 month each or sometimes even less. Through a lot of therapy I've been trying to learn to spot those patterns and get my work done when I'm manic and allow my self to not get anything when I'm depressive. The problem with that is if you don't know that you're bipolar and you suddenly become to depressed to do anything, the fact that you're not doing anything makes you feel more depressed and it becomes a vicious cycle of depression,inability to act, more depression and so on.
So I allow myself to not do anything, sometimes for weeks on end, which seems lazy to people and which also add to the magnificent monster in my head "YOU'RE LAZY" but I try to let myself ride the wave until my manic comes and get work done there.
So here it is, I just wanted to share what it's like in the bipolar brain sometimes. It's not pretty I know, but it is beautiful.
