It's time to get personal again, thank you everyone who has discussed this blog series with me, it's been oddly satisfying to write my feelings and share how I see the world with.
What a nightmare... dating an Empath! I guess for many people the hardest part about dating is to get your partner to open up with you about how they feel, cross your fingers and hope to god it's good. Or telling them how you feel and hoping they feel the same. So much hope, they hope you feel the same way as them you hope they feel the same you as you.... hope is good, it's fun for a relationship it adds anticipation and excitement.
Now imagine a scenario where you go on a date and the moment they show up you immediately know how they feel about. Here's a story of a first date I went on that went so horrifyingly badly:
I met a woman doing stand-up, she seemed pretty cool and she was a lawyer so I took her number and I asked her on a date. We were gonna meet in kadikoy for a drink but she shows up an hour late and high as fuck! Here's how she was feeling "I only said yes because I had nothing better to do, he's probably boring so I'll get high to have fun either way."
I can't explain to you how I knew she felt that way it's impossible, my "ability" if that's the right word to know how people are feeling changes and evolves. When I was a kid it used to be a single emotion (He's Upset, She's Happy) it was simple like that. But the older I got it kinda got more complicated and started to unfold more complicated thoughts (She's upset because she feels like she's underappreciated) and these thoughts don't even happen in my head, I just have them as raw feelings. If I'm with you and you asked me (How am I feeling right now?) It'll probably take me a good few minutes to gather my feelings. Yes I used the word "feelings" again on purpose, because it's not a thought process it's really just feelings that I have to translate into thoughts. But I digress, back to dating.
Through out my most successful relationships, they usually go well for a while. You know beginning of the relationship blah blah blah, but they usually end horribly for me because I see it coming. Let me explain to you how. My Empath power doesn't always work on everyone, some people are harder to read, maybe because they have less feelings or they're better at guarding themselves or maybe it's the tinfoil hats they wear... not sure yet. However when I'm dating someone and I spend so much time with them, their feelings become so clear to me they basically become my own. So the moment they decide that they're going to break up with me I immediately know... just immediately! It has never failed. And that's why dating is insane for me, imagine knowing how your partner feels about you or about others all the time, all the doubt they have feeding your insecurities, all the tiresomeness and anxiety befalling you like boulders. It's truly horrifying.
Every time I'm with someone, even if their excitement wanes a little bit I know immediately, even if they try to put effort to hide it, effort which I should appreciate, I just can't shake off the fact that their eyes don't look at me the way they used to. My heart chooses a beat that it shouldn't and it goes down a dark path fast.... really fast.
And now we come to dating the Sociopath. I can honestly write a book about dating her. She was the first woman that I dated that I honestly imagined spending the rest of my life with.... yeah I know it's insane, let me tell you why though.
Our relationship was extremely dysfunctional, we spent a lot of our time talking about death, existentialism, how life is meaningless and how the world is a cold horrifying place. I enjoyed those talks more than I enjoyed talking to anyone in my life, her Sociopathy gave her an intellect I'm yet to see paralleled. Our sex life was a disaster, let's just say we weren't compatible sexually which is a huge deal for me, yet despite all of that I still wanted to be with her and I'll tell you why. When I'm around her, I felt very little. Not towards her, I was intensely in love with her, it's just when I'm with her (And it took me so long to figure that out) I felt my emotions go down immensely. Even though she showed a little bit less amount of emotions than others, it wasn't anything too blatant, however when I'm around her I almost felt like there's no emotions to be felt. What I learned when I read the book about Sociopathy (confessions of a sociopath) I learned that a lot of the emotions they show are actually simulated because they want to fit in with society. So when I was around her, I tried to feel what she's feeling and got little to nothing which made my own emotions go down, she was like an emotional dampener and I LOVED IT.
You see having so many feelings all the time is just inhumanely tiring, many people can cry for a few hours and then feel emotionally numb afterwards, most Empaths can't because our existence is fuelled by how we feel about things. That's why a lot of us are obsessive about certain things, because if our bed isn't made or if there's dirt we actually fell negatively. And our obsessions always manifest differently, you get the over-cleaner, the over-dresser etc... My obsession is I'm an over-thinker which leads to me being and over-talker, I just need to get the emotions out there because otherwise I'll just obsess about it and think it over and over and over until it consumes me like some sort of parasite.
And that's why I was in love with her. Imagine the relief I felt around her, the relief of emotional numbness. That is a feeling that no other human or thing has ever induced in me. You know how most people want to be happy? I really prefer to just feel nothing.
wow that was a depressing note to end with, well you know I'm just sharing how I feel so sue me. Anyways, if you ever do find yourself dating an Empath don't lie to them about your feelings, if you feel less excited about being with them tell them that, because if you lie they'll start obsessing about why you're lying to them. Just tell them exactly how you feel, because they already know and they'll appreciate your honesty.
Thanks a lot for reading and next week I'll be talking about how my Empathy lead me to Atheism and how most people I know who are Empaths happen to be Atheists or Agnostics.
How I'm feeling today : Relieved because the production I was working with was amazing and it's over. Excited about the upcoming rap battle. Hopeful for the opportunity of an upcoming job. Confused about a relationship that is developing in a very odd way.
Thanks again for reading and see you next week.
What a nightmare... dating an Empath! I guess for many people the hardest part about dating is to get your partner to open up with you about how they feel, cross your fingers and hope to god it's good. Or telling them how you feel and hoping they feel the same. So much hope, they hope you feel the same way as them you hope they feel the same you as you.... hope is good, it's fun for a relationship it adds anticipation and excitement.
Now imagine a scenario where you go on a date and the moment they show up you immediately know how they feel about. Here's a story of a first date I went on that went so horrifyingly badly:
I met a woman doing stand-up, she seemed pretty cool and she was a lawyer so I took her number and I asked her on a date. We were gonna meet in kadikoy for a drink but she shows up an hour late and high as fuck! Here's how she was feeling "I only said yes because I had nothing better to do, he's probably boring so I'll get high to have fun either way."
I can't explain to you how I knew she felt that way it's impossible, my "ability" if that's the right word to know how people are feeling changes and evolves. When I was a kid it used to be a single emotion (He's Upset, She's Happy) it was simple like that. But the older I got it kinda got more complicated and started to unfold more complicated thoughts (She's upset because she feels like she's underappreciated) and these thoughts don't even happen in my head, I just have them as raw feelings. If I'm with you and you asked me (How am I feeling right now?) It'll probably take me a good few minutes to gather my feelings. Yes I used the word "feelings" again on purpose, because it's not a thought process it's really just feelings that I have to translate into thoughts. But I digress, back to dating.
Through out my most successful relationships, they usually go well for a while. You know beginning of the relationship blah blah blah, but they usually end horribly for me because I see it coming. Let me explain to you how. My Empath power doesn't always work on everyone, some people are harder to read, maybe because they have less feelings or they're better at guarding themselves or maybe it's the tinfoil hats they wear... not sure yet. However when I'm dating someone and I spend so much time with them, their feelings become so clear to me they basically become my own. So the moment they decide that they're going to break up with me I immediately know... just immediately! It has never failed. And that's why dating is insane for me, imagine knowing how your partner feels about you or about others all the time, all the doubt they have feeding your insecurities, all the tiresomeness and anxiety befalling you like boulders. It's truly horrifying.
Every time I'm with someone, even if their excitement wanes a little bit I know immediately, even if they try to put effort to hide it, effort which I should appreciate, I just can't shake off the fact that their eyes don't look at me the way they used to. My heart chooses a beat that it shouldn't and it goes down a dark path fast.... really fast.
And now we come to dating the Sociopath. I can honestly write a book about dating her. She was the first woman that I dated that I honestly imagined spending the rest of my life with.... yeah I know it's insane, let me tell you why though.
Our relationship was extremely dysfunctional, we spent a lot of our time talking about death, existentialism, how life is meaningless and how the world is a cold horrifying place. I enjoyed those talks more than I enjoyed talking to anyone in my life, her Sociopathy gave her an intellect I'm yet to see paralleled. Our sex life was a disaster, let's just say we weren't compatible sexually which is a huge deal for me, yet despite all of that I still wanted to be with her and I'll tell you why. When I'm around her, I felt very little. Not towards her, I was intensely in love with her, it's just when I'm with her (And it took me so long to figure that out) I felt my emotions go down immensely. Even though she showed a little bit less amount of emotions than others, it wasn't anything too blatant, however when I'm around her I almost felt like there's no emotions to be felt. What I learned when I read the book about Sociopathy (confessions of a sociopath) I learned that a lot of the emotions they show are actually simulated because they want to fit in with society. So when I was around her, I tried to feel what she's feeling and got little to nothing which made my own emotions go down, she was like an emotional dampener and I LOVED IT.
You see having so many feelings all the time is just inhumanely tiring, many people can cry for a few hours and then feel emotionally numb afterwards, most Empaths can't because our existence is fuelled by how we feel about things. That's why a lot of us are obsessive about certain things, because if our bed isn't made or if there's dirt we actually fell negatively. And our obsessions always manifest differently, you get the over-cleaner, the over-dresser etc... My obsession is I'm an over-thinker which leads to me being and over-talker, I just need to get the emotions out there because otherwise I'll just obsess about it and think it over and over and over until it consumes me like some sort of parasite.
And that's why I was in love with her. Imagine the relief I felt around her, the relief of emotional numbness. That is a feeling that no other human or thing has ever induced in me. You know how most people want to be happy? I really prefer to just feel nothing.
wow that was a depressing note to end with, well you know I'm just sharing how I feel so sue me. Anyways, if you ever do find yourself dating an Empath don't lie to them about your feelings, if you feel less excited about being with them tell them that, because if you lie they'll start obsessing about why you're lying to them. Just tell them exactly how you feel, because they already know and they'll appreciate your honesty.
Thanks a lot for reading and next week I'll be talking about how my Empathy lead me to Atheism and how most people I know who are Empaths happen to be Atheists or Agnostics.
How I'm feeling today : Relieved because the production I was working with was amazing and it's over. Excited about the upcoming rap battle. Hopeful for the opportunity of an upcoming job. Confused about a relationship that is developing in a very odd way.
Thanks again for reading and see you next week.
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