All I wanted to hear

I share my story with you, my paper. I write using the ink that I can barely afford listening to music through the radio for lack of a better option. I write on you not because I hope someone will read it. I write on you because the emotions that I have are too beautiful to be deprived of their immortalization by words.

It's funny how sometimes walks into your life, and hits you like a bullet train carrying you of your feet and swiping you across domains you never even know existed. If funny is the right word for having the fabric of your life torn apart and the most majestic way imaginable. Sometimes they don't even walk in, they merely pass by and their aura carries you up,up and away.

I met someone recently, someone on whose life I had no impact but had a massive impact on mine. A stranger who passed by my life like a shadow. A shadow that haunted, haunts, and will haunt me till the day I die. "I've been in love before." Is a sentence I idiotically uttered here and there like a blabber mouth. "Yes I do like her." That garbage also came out of my malignant word generating hole. But then she walked in into my life, the grace of a dancer and the strength of a bull. And what's insane is that she didn't even walk into the circle of my life, she skipped on the outskirts just outside the fence. I saw her there hopping up and down without a single care in the world. My reality bent upon it's self and her eyes were burnt into my memory. When she talked to me for the first time, her smile made me reinvent the definition of beauty in my head. Not because of it's perfection or aesthetics, no it was far from that. It was because of the purity of it. It seemed as if it came from somewhere beyond humanity where love resides. Her words pierced through my ears like bullets of truth and lodged in my brain. Her touch felt like the end of humanity and the purpose of the universe.

Slowly but surely she walked out. Not eagerly or uncomfortable, she just continued skipping. "I know what I want" Was also ridiculous sounds that escaped my useless body. But I didn't know what I want, I didn't know what I want until I heard my heart sing with joy at the thought of her existence. I closed my eyes, and all my senses embodied her, took her imperfections and flaws and idiotically disregarded them until she became this perfect entity. This incomparable goddess that can reach into my soul and pull the darkness. My mind knew better but my heart knew stronger. 

Dear paper, I don't want her. It's dangerous for me to want her. Me wanting her would be like Icarus wanting to fly into the sun. I don't want her, dear paper, but I want the idea of her. I want the feeling of her. I want the image of her. What do I want? I want to see someone who makes me feel like she did. And now oh just now I know, I've never been in love before. I've loved! but never been in love! I tolerated and enjoyed! But I never liked! Now I know, my heart knows what love really is. I know what it really feels like to want something, what it's like to look at someone for the first time and say "All I wanted to hear my entire life...........is 'Yes' coming from your lips"        

Comedy, Sexism or Truth? A personal story.

I never post anything personal in this blog, I don't know why. But yesterday I went through an experience that kept me up at night and that sparked various arguments, discussions and controversy. Which is an experience I would like to share with whomever may want to read. 

Preface:

 Yesterday 23/5/2017 I had an experience I've never had before in my life, someone hated me because of what I said on stage. Now I'm gonna be a little bit up close and personal and also as objective as I can in this post, It's gonna be a long and personal one so tread lightly. Through out this narrative I'll be writing transcripts of what I said on stage.

Recently I've been going through quite a bit of turmoil. I lost my job, I had a few very bad run ins with some ladies which broke my heart and I generally felt bad about my self. Which is saying a lot because I generally enjoy who I am and what I do and have a happy-go-lucky attitude towards life. With the exception of course of when I write about suicide, or discrimination, or death.....you know the usual stuff. Anyways I was feeling bad. So I did what I do when I'm feeling bad, I watched stand up comedy.

Now I watch stand up comedy like it's my religion, I watch it when I'm ill, when I'm tired, when I'm happy, when I'm sad. In sickness and in health.... I do. And of course as a comic my self it inspires me to write jokes, which always makes me feel better. And since I had a few bad run ins with the ladies lately I wrote a few jokes about women and this is where things got interesting.

I'll admit to this. I wrote that material not from a place where I usually write my material. I wrote it from that dark place where we all go to when we get hurt. You know that place, we all go to it, I've seen numerous people go to it. 

It's the place where someone hurts you and you go to "It's them, they're horrible people and they should be ashamed of themselves. I'm certain they do all this time and they're a horrendous existence."

Now that place isn't a place where generally comedy comes from. But to be honest I've gotten some pretty good material out of there, like when I talk about my parents for example or about being Syrian or short! So I've written some material about ladies and I will not deny this, it made me feel good to take it out of my chest and put it on paper. But most of it was still in my chest so I needed to put it on stage.

The events of "THE NIGHT!" :

I went to a spoken word event in which usually every body is praised for their bravery and being themselves. Which I completely and absolutely agree with. And I think women should be complimented just for going outside because the world is sadly so unsafe for them and I said that on stage. That being said, because of the amount of hurt I was feeling I felt like a simple truth applied and should always apply because it's the truth and the truth was as I said on stage

"Women are not perfect! Not because they're women because they're human! Don't you think a woman ever forgot her keys? Or got drunk and texted an EX? Or farted in an elevator? Can we agree that women aren't perfect?"

And the crowd was dead silent........ not even a single one of them said yes. Which stirred an anger in me I've never felt before. How is it possible that in a group of almost 50 adults not a single one of them would agree with a single, simple fact? Now when I discussed this later with the intelligent people I keep around me whom I call friends. They said that they didn't agree because they didn't know how this information will be used. Or where I'm going with this. But to me it was a simple fact that was stated, where can I possibly go with this? I stated a fact that people aren't perfect. And I eradicated sexism from it by saying (It's because they're human) right then and there admitting that no one is perfect. But the crowd pulled back and no one answered. So I thought I owed them an explanation, I thought I owed them an introduction to my self so I said :

 "Physically women feel unsafe and are in danger all the time. Which makes me feel bad and I sympathize with you"

Now for those of you who know me, and a lot of them did, they know how I feel about women, they know that I stand up for women.

Sexism : ingrained and institutionalized prejudice against or hatred of women;misogyny.

That's one definition of sexism on dictionary.com. Now there were people in that crowd who knew it's impossible that I'm a misogynist! Even if they didn't know me they heard what I said, they literally just heard me say I sympathize with you. And for those who know me they know that I put my self in physical danger to protect a female friend of mine. She was drunk and being groped, so I put my self between her and the man. Who was twice my size because I'm a small fellow, but I stood there and said "you gotta get through me first." I've always had a thing for the dramatic. Anyways after I said that in the set, I asked if they agreed with me on this. But they still didn't answer... They didn't agree with me that I sympathize with them which made feel hurt.

 Now as a writer and an actor my emotions take the best of me sometime so I got a little emotional. Because women hurt me so much, intentionally or unintentionally, in the past few weeks that I needed someone to sympathize with me. But I got nothing. So I started the bit which I'll write down here

"Emotionally women are devious and evil. I've seen a woman walk into a man's life, assassinate his sexual identity, murder him as a human, cripple his ability to love or be loved and walk the other side un-fucking-touched. While wearing high heels. Women are so powerful that they can hurt a man while telling them that they like him, they can say 'I like you as a friend' and it's like a harpoon to the chest. And the scariest part is that they're actually trying not to hurt him. A woman can hurt you while trying not to hurt you! that is terrifying! That is some superman shit right there. I've seen women manipulate men into changing careers which changed the course of history."

And here's the main part of the material. The part which raised the question which got talked about for hours afterwards. Was it sexist? Was it comedic? Was it true?

Let's break it down:

Sexism: discrimination or devaluation based on a person's sex or gender, as in restricted job opportunities, especially such discrimination directed against women.

Was it sexist?

A: I didn't say that women don't have rights.
B: I didn't say that women should be treated differently.
C: I didn't say that women shouldn't have jobs.
D: I didn't say that men are better than women in anyway.
E: I didn't say that men don't manipulate women.
F: I didn't say that men are innocent in all of this.

So I didn't discriminate on women based on their sex or gender. Which is the definition of sexism.

Was it comedic?

I don't know that's for you to decide. Depends on your sense of humor, what you find funny etc..

Was it true?

Did I see women destroy men emotionally?

 Yes I did. I've sat up with men through weeks while they tried to recover emotionally from an emotional shock that a woman caused. I've seen men being crippled by the friend zone. Which is again and as I said it's not the woman's fault. They hurt men while trying not to hurt them.

Did I see women manipulate men out of their career?

Yes I did. So many times I've seen men abandon their dreams for a woman. I've also seen women abandon their dreams for a man and I reprimanded both.

Did I get hurt by women who tried not to hurt me?

Yes I did. More than I can count I've been hurt by women who were nothing but nice to me, but I got hurt because they felt differently about me that I wished they did. Again women has been in that situation too.

Conclusion:

I would like to say something. I was simply talking about my experience. I don't think there's anything wrong with what women do to men, because men have done much much worse to women. The reason I talked about what I talked about is to try to comically view a social interaction, and if you read the transcript you'll see that I haven't used the word wrong once. Now I said that women are evil but common the word "Evil" is comical. No one has ever hurt me by calling me evil. I also said women are devious. Which was a bit of an overkill and I feel that it clouded the rest of the performance or made everything else I said sound worse. And that and only that is the only statement I will apologize for.

Women I don't think what you do is wrong, I find the social interaction of how it happens funny. I condone your behavior sometimes because men can be mean and destructive too and I think that sometimes it's mean and destructive because we're all flawed. I didn't say what I said to try and change it. When I make jokes about me being short or being Syrian I don't want to change that into being tall or change world politics ,I just find the situation funny.

So let's agree to a conclusion, I'm not gonna write the conclusion my self because that's a bed self-evaluating and that's just dumb. So the facts are there. I talked about my experience with women, I said what's in my heart and I'm not gonna lie it felt good.  

Journey Through Empathy.

You have my blessing, I said, as he put his hand in the hand of the one for whom my soul aches.

I couldn’t hurt him, I thought, my self I can hurt. I can deal with the hurt for a friend’s sake.

I look into their eyes, those who are around me, and I hear their voices, I feel their pain.

I try to take the knife out of them and plunge it into my self. For which many think me insane.

My sanity is questioned indeed, but sanity has no merit when empathy faces your heart.

I hear their wounds, I smell their hurt, I touch the monster that pulls their souls apart.

What do I want? I’m asked. How do I feel? How do I breathe? And why do I know?

I know because my mind reaches out and fails leaving my heart to lead and sense their glow.

Dim, dark, gloomy, somber .... My heart aches and tries to shine a light.

In their darkness they see beauty, in their depth meaning and majestic they perceive their fight.

Pain shines through and pierces me, because their perception doesn’t change the facts.

It haunts my nightmares, makes my soul whither, I feel compelled to act.

Which is why I let go of what I love, of what I want and of what I desire.

As I open my hand and the rope of my love slides, my hands burn. They burn like hell-fire.

I hold on to the unbearable pain and I throw my rope their way to save them with all my force.

I catch them on the brink of the abyss, they yank at the rope and pull me down with no remorse.

As I fall I look up with a smile on my face, I made a difference, I threw the rope.

My heart's content but my mind tortures me. You fool! We’re falling! Is there now hope?

My mind and my heart never speak the same, I listen to them and they torture my soul.

My heart speaks of miracles and love and humanity and how empathy stands above all.

My mind speaks of logic and science and how we are all but doomed to fall.

My heart speaks of doom as a sign to love all things before it arrives.

My mind speaks of self love and one's own desires and drives.

You are stronger than I, confessed my heart, but in your strength a cross must you bear.

What cross speak you of? Asked my mind! Why must I deal with your grief that resides there?

The universe gives the most grief to those who could understand why. My heart thus spoke.

Paradoxes and romanticisms is all you can do! I debunk the universe! My mind thus spoke.

Mind and heart, heart and mind made and push and move me.

To whom do I belong? To whom do I listen? To whom do I bow?

To my heart which gives me empathy and cleanses my soul do I vow?

To my mind which gives me understanding and knowledge do I vow?

I close my eyes as I keep falling through the abyss and the sound of silence talked to me.

I am silence and I shall guide you and teach you to be free.

Through me you may look deep within, and there and only there lies the way.

Many have found themselves in me, you don’t hear me enough in the light of day.

Close your eyes young one and I shall numb your fall.

Deep within look and search only there you’ll find the answer to all.

I listened to the silence for the first time in years and within myself I searched.

On the journey within I found many friends and foes. To friends I bowed and the foes i purged.

My ears is where my journey began, but silence was all I could hear.

Ears, said I, much knowledge have I acquired through you but also much evil that I fear.

The journey continued to my eyes . Eyes, said I, I thank you for showing me which road do I take.

I carried on to my Nose. Nose, said I, I thank you for giving life to every move I make.

My mouth greeted I differently. Oh how much Evil spewed out of you, you malignant thing!

Oh how much I despise your lust for substances and only the best you require like a dirty king!

Only when you say Good do I admire you but even then you say it without ease.

Let me go on my journey you foul beast! My heart must I find and my soul must I release.

When I reached my heart I was frozen with shock and awe.

My mind did I find there hugging my heart like a friend and far far away from a foe.

What do you here? Demanded I to know.

Heart and mind looked at me and pulled me close. Come our friend, let us the road to you show.

They pulled me tight and told me to smile. Hand in hand they loved, hand in hand they hated.

Hand in hand my heart and mind gave me empathy, gave me pain, loved me and never faded.

Who is the my mind’s foe and my mind’s fiend? I asked them passionately.         

Only you create demons. Only you create battles. Only you and empathy.

  

        

Equality Unequalized

Jason left his Interview with the magazine feeling a bit unsure about it. He stepped into the street and immediately was faced by the hundreds of people going left and right, up and down, the honking of buses and cars dimmed sometimes by the rain which changed from heavy to light within minutes. He gave a sigh and then a little smile was drawn on his face “Oh Istanbul!” he muttered.

He decided to walk a bit in the rain, hugging his umbrella and trying to think things over. He spotted a little bar and even though it was 11 in the morning, ‘ A beer couldn’t hurt right about now ’ he said to himself. He walked to the almost empty bar, a few men sat around a table discussing something or another in Turkish. A waiter was cleaning and setting up the tables. Then he heard a language familiar to him “One Ballentine’s please, no ice.” He turned to the bar and saw a guy who looked like he’s in his early twenties. He walked to the bar and said ‘Make that two!’ and sat next to this lonesome drinker.

‘Scotch at 11?’ He said jokingly ‘Rough day?’

‘Rough month.’

Since the bar was empty their orders came before a third sentence was uttered. Jason held up his glass and said ‘I’ll drink to that.’

‘Cheers!’

There was a moment of awkward silence, Jason had missed the experience of drinking with a total stranger at a bar and telling him about his problems with no other motive than to talk about them. So he decided he might as well.

‘This city is driving me crazy man.’

‘Yeah. That’s what Istanbul does to ya. It makes you fall in love with it so hard and then tortures you for that love.’

‘Exactly! I never feel like I have enough time, I barely travelled last year! I have a few classes in Uni that are just too demanding. I want to visit my parents for the holidays but a flight to the States is just way too expensive! Thank god I was getting paid in Dollars in my last job.’

‘I don’t think God is the one who paid you, but sure.’

‘Hahaha yeah i guess you are right. It’s just this city moves so fast sometimes you lose track you know? Between the expensive rents and the ridiculous traffic.....’

The guy nodded his head and smiled and then took a sip from his drink. There was another moment of silence. Jason felt that somehow the guy couldn’t exactly relate to his problems. “I don’t get it,” Jason thought to himself “We’re both foreigners here, I’ve spoken to a lot of foreigners and they always seem to understand what I’m talking about. Maybe he’s the silent type or maybe he wants to know me first before talking, I didn’t even introduce myself.”

‘I’m Jason by the way!’ he extended his hand and his hand was met

‘Ahmed, nice to meet you.’  

‘Ahmed? Oh you’re Turkish! Wow you’re accent is great man.’

‘Not Turkish, Syrian.’

The moment Jason heard the word “Syrian” a bang went through his heart. He didn’t know how to respond exactly in that moment.

‘Nice too meet you.’ He said half cordially half nervously.

Silence befell the bar again

‘I don’t think I’ve ever met a Syrian who enjoys a good scotch before!’ He said jokingly.

Ahmed looked down at his glass, took a big sip and then looked up at Jason. They looked oddly similar for people who come from opposite sides of the world.

‘Tell me Jason, you like Ballentine?’

‘Love it!’

‘How many languages do you speak?’

‘Just English, and a bit Turkish.’

‘Are you Christian?’

‘Not sure anymore, maybe agnostic.’

‘You see Jason. You and I are similar. We have the same taste in scotch, we speak the same language with the exception that I also speak Dutch,French and Arabic. You’re an agnostic and I’m an atheist. But you and I we live in different worlds.’

‘Oh I’m sorry. You mean because of the war?’

‘Actually, the war had nothing to do with it, the way people reacted to that war was the problem! You told me about your problems. Let me contrast them with mine. You said you can’t visit your parents for the holidays. Mine stopped talking to me when I told them I’m an atheist, yet i still pay for half their rent because they’re incapable of doing that . You said rents are expensive? My salary is laughable because there’s literally no one to fight for my rights so I can barely survive. You complain about traffic? Sometimes I stay at home instead of going to an event to save the 5 liras that the metro costs. You said you barely travelled last year? I can’t have a passport because I refused to go the military service in Syria and now they refuse to issue me a passport. The “ID card” that the Turkish government gave me doesn’t allow me to leave Istanbul even.’

Jason was silent for a moment he couldn’t think of anything to say at that moment.

Ahmed stood up, put his coat on, drank the last of his scotch, looked at the bartender and said, ‘We’re even for setting up your wireless network’ then he looked at Jason and said ‘You see man, you’re an expat here. I’m a prisoner.’

Then he patted Jason on the back and walked out into the rain with his worn out leather jacket and without an umbrella. He walked into the city that entrapped, charmed and tortured him to fight the next battle while Jason decided where his next holiday destination will be.