Tuesday, February 26, 2019

The Unbearable Heaviness Of Being

My heart feels heavy. The temptation is too strong. I can feel the green heaven whispering to me, telling me that if you have me everything will be ok. And I'm certain that if I do enter into the green, in a way, it will be, for me. I try to know my faults,  learn my shortcomings, live with my irrational need to be wanted, to be liked, to be loved. I know that I must love myself before being loved by someone else. I know that with my brain, but my heart still feels heavy.

I try to be good, I swear I do. But I just can't understand people. They make no sense to me, or maybe I make no sense to them. Is it so hard to be my friend? Am I even my friend?

I hurt people without knowing that I have. I somehow manage to mess up every good thing to ever happen me and I feel the green waiting for me. How I miss that delicious taste upon my lips and that elevated dimension in my head. Because in the green, life is not real. In the green, nothing is real or unreal. In the green, time doesn't exist, it doesn't matter any more. In the green, there's peace. False but true at the same time. Present and absent. I can feel it! But the feeling is distorted by visions and monsters and madness.

I just don't get it! I can almost touch it! It's so close. It's just beyond my grasp, but I just don't get it. I wish I know what IT is. I can feel that there is an IT. And I can feel that I am capable of finding IT. I just can't seem to do it. I wish I had religion.

Life must be so easy when you can just say "Because God wills so." To every question you can ask. Imagine how simple must that be to actually believe. To actually think that there is a higher power that is leading you, and that everything will be great.

The sad part is, we all had that at one point. Or most of us did anyways. That thing when you're a kid and you look at your Dad, or Mom, or guardian and feel like whatever goes wrong they can fix it. Or a little bit after that when they teach you about a God, if they do, and you feel like whatever goes wrong that God can fix it. Or even if he can't fix it you feel like you can try to fix it for Them.

But now there are many more questions than there are answers. I tried to find answers in the green but that didn't help.

Someone just told me today that they're not good enough of a person to be my friend. That really stung. I don't know what it is, maybe it's my bipolar that lets me go all over the radar with people. But again I don't want to blame anything on anyone or anything other than myself.

What really hurts is that I really do try to be a good person. But it's so hard to be a person to begin with, much less a good one. Being a person means that you have habits, likes, dislikes, wants, needs, desires, insecurities, hobbies, skills, abilities, responsibilities, fears, vices...... and the list goes on. Being a person on its own is exhausting. I truly imagine that if all the information about one person was a code, that code would be infinite.

Just as an experiment: sit down and start writing everything you know about yourself, I promise you it'll take you days, maybe even weeks.

And by everything, I do mean everything! Which side of the bed do you sleep on? How many socks do you own? Do you buy lighters or do you borrow from people? What is the longest you went without talking?

There's just so much to being a person that just being in itself is exhausting. And then comes other people that you know and you know information about them. She's a vegetarian! He works from this to this time! He smokes this specific kind of cigarettes! She sings very well! He love reading science fiction!

It's an immeasurable amount of information that just ebbs and flows around in your head in the most tiring way imaginable. Add to that philosophy and morality and the complexity of interaction, not even touching the actual "facts" that you learn, like science, maths, history, geography..... all together they make being a full time job.

Maybe that's IT, maybe it's just a job. I mean I do enjoy the job a lot of the time, but it's still a job. You still have to wake up every morning and do it and the next day do it again, and again, and again. Even if you like it, which a lot of people do, it's still a job. And it's heavy, it's just...... heavy. 

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