The Male Empath (Athiesm)

And here we are, the conclusion to the Empath series.

 Since this specific topic is quite controversial, I thought I'd start with some disclaimers. First and foremost everything I've written in this series is purely personal and not to be taken as scientific or factual. I've simply written how I personally interact with the world. Secondly, this post is not meant to offend anyone's faith or religion, it's merely a telling of how I felt about faith.

 Faith has always been tricky to me. I grew up in a very VERY religious family. Like "Music comes from the devil" religious. I went to the mosque every day since I was four years until I was about 16, I learned the entirety of the Quran and actually memorised all of it. But faith in itself has always baffled me. You see as an Empath there are all these feelings floating around all the time and I like deconstructing them, but with faith I could never get a finger on it. I don't think that faith is a feeling per say, it's more of a state of being.

 When I was at the mosque listening to our various teachers teach us about Islam I could tell how they're feeling. They all had conviction I have to admit that but I never really felt their "Faith". Neither with my family, whose emotions I learned to read much better than others. It was always hard to pick faith from amongst other feelings. I felt a lot of conviction but also a lot of doubt and worry. Not doubt in God per say, just general doubt about the meaning of life. And it baffled me because I thought following a religion should remove that sense of aimlessness that we all feel.

 Every time my family talked about or practised religion I really wanted to pick up on their faith but there was always that existential crisis in all of them. When I was lucky enough to go to Europe and meet Christians and Jews and people from other religion, their energy was pretty much the same. I've felt like to most of them faith and or religion was more of a safety net, whether they know this consciously or not I could not say but I've always felt it being used as a safety net.

  I've had various conversations with people who are still in their religion just because their family is even though they never practised it. I even know Christians who have never been to church or ever read one word in the bible to begin with. You see I've been told all the time the faith is supposed to bring you calm and a direction, but I've never felt that from other people. Especially my father, who I think is the most religious person I know, I've never felt like religion brought him peace of mind in anyway, it certainly never brought me any peace either.

 All of the factors above, really made me questions whether religion is something that's real or if it is just an emotional safety net. Religious people always have a sense of belonging I have to admit that but they also feel alone a lot. So I came to the conclusion that if religion can't give a sense of belonging the way it should, or a sense of peace the way it should then what's the point?

 Why should I submit myself to an entity that has never really done anything for me? and slowly I realised that there's nothing that'll stop a human from feeling alone or from questioning life. Because we are born without asking for it, given a conscious without asking for it. And live with that state of self-awareness without asking for it. Religion or not, when you give something self-awareness they're gonna be scared and lonely and confuse. Plus I know it's not a very valid argument but there are 4200 religions in the world... so the chances of any one of them being right is 1 in 4200.

 In conclusion, I've never felt that faith really helped people around me too much, it gives a lot of people a sense of safety but so does having good friends or a family.

 Thank you so much for everyone who has read this series, it was very hard for me to share all I've shared.

 Today I'm feeling: Relieved because I'm bouncing back from an illness. Unsure about my career choices. Glad that I stuck with this series and finished it. Nervous about money like always. Anxious about a few job applications.

Thanks again.  

The Male Empath (Dating)

It's time to get personal again, thank you everyone who has discussed this blog series with me, it's been oddly satisfying to write my feelings and share how I see the world with.

What a nightmare... dating an Empath! I guess for many people the hardest part about dating is to get your partner to open up with you about how they feel, cross your fingers and hope to god it's good. Or telling them how you feel and hoping they feel the same. So much hope, they hope you feel the same way as them you hope they feel the same you as you.... hope is good, it's fun for a relationship it adds anticipation and excitement.

Now imagine a scenario where you go on a date and the moment they show up you immediately know how they feel about. Here's a story of a first date I went on that went so horrifyingly badly:

I met a woman doing stand-up, she seemed pretty cool and she was a lawyer so I took her number and I asked her on a date. We were gonna meet in kadikoy for a drink but she shows up an hour late and high as fuck! Here's how she was feeling "I only said yes because I had nothing better to do, he's probably boring so I'll get high to have fun either way."

 I can't explain to you how I knew she felt that way it's impossible, my "ability" if that's the right word to know how people are feeling changes and evolves. When I was a kid it used to be a single emotion (He's Upset, She's Happy) it was simple like that. But the older I got it kinda got more complicated and started to unfold more complicated thoughts (She's upset because she feels like she's underappreciated) and these thoughts don't even happen in my head, I just have them as raw feelings. If I'm with you and you asked me (How am I feeling right now?) It'll probably take me a good few minutes to gather my feelings. Yes I used the word "feelings" again on purpose, because it's not a thought process it's really just feelings that I have to translate into thoughts. But I digress, back to dating.

Through out my most successful relationships, they usually go well for a while. You know beginning of the relationship blah blah blah, but they usually end horribly for me because I see it coming. Let me explain to you how. My Empath power doesn't always work on everyone, some people are harder to read, maybe because they have less feelings or they're better at guarding themselves or maybe it's the tinfoil hats they wear... not sure yet. However when I'm dating someone and I spend so much time with them, their feelings become so clear to me they basically become my own. So the moment they decide that they're going to break up with me I immediately know... just immediately! It has never failed. And that's why dating is insane for me, imagine knowing how your partner feels about you or about others all the time, all the doubt they have feeding your insecurities, all the tiresomeness and anxiety befalling you like boulders. It's truly horrifying.

Every time I'm with someone, even if their excitement wanes a little bit I know immediately, even if they try to put effort to hide it, effort which I should appreciate, I just can't shake off the fact that their eyes don't look at me the way they used to. My heart chooses a beat that it shouldn't and it goes down a dark path fast.... really fast.

And now we come to dating the Sociopath. I can honestly write a book about dating her. She was the first woman that I dated that I honestly imagined spending the rest of my life with.... yeah I know it's insane, let me tell you why though.

Our relationship was extremely dysfunctional, we spent a lot of our time talking about death, existentialism, how life is meaningless and how the world is a cold horrifying place. I enjoyed those talks more than I enjoyed talking to anyone in my life, her Sociopathy gave her an intellect I'm yet to see paralleled. Our sex life was a disaster, let's just say we weren't compatible sexually which is a huge deal for me, yet despite all of that I still wanted to be with her and I'll tell you why. When I'm around her, I felt very little. Not towards her, I was intensely in love with her, it's just when I'm with her (And it took me so long to figure that out) I felt my emotions go down immensely. Even though she showed a little bit less amount of emotions than others, it wasn't anything too blatant, however when I'm around her I almost felt like there's no emotions to be felt. What I learned when I read the book about Sociopathy (confessions of a sociopath) I learned that a lot of the emotions they show are actually simulated because they want to fit in with society. So when I was around her, I tried to feel what she's feeling and got little to nothing which made my own emotions go down, she was like an emotional dampener and I LOVED IT.

You see having so many feelings all the time is just inhumanely tiring, many people can cry for a few hours and then feel emotionally numb afterwards, most Empaths can't because our existence is fuelled by how we feel about things. That's why a lot of us are obsessive about certain things, because if our bed isn't made or if there's dirt we actually fell negatively. And our obsessions always manifest differently, you get the over-cleaner, the over-dresser etc... My obsession is I'm an over-thinker which leads to me being and over-talker, I just need to get the emotions out there because otherwise I'll just obsess about it and think it over and over and over until it consumes me like some sort of parasite.

And that's why I was in love with her. Imagine the relief I felt around her, the relief of emotional numbness. That is a feeling that no other human or thing has ever induced in me. You know how most people want to be happy? I really prefer to just feel nothing.

wow that was a depressing note to end with, well you know I'm just sharing how I feel so sue me. Anyways, if you ever do find yourself dating an Empath don't lie to them about your feelings, if you feel less excited about being with them tell them that, because if you lie they'll start obsessing about why you're lying to them. Just tell them exactly how you feel, because they already know and they'll appreciate your honesty.

Thanks a lot for reading and next week I'll be talking about how my Empathy lead me to Atheism and how most people I know who are Empaths happen to be Atheists or Agnostics.

How I'm feeling today : Relieved because the production I was working with was amazing and it's over. Excited about the upcoming rap battle. Hopeful for the opportunity of an upcoming job. Confused about a relationship that is developing in a very odd way.

Thanks again for reading and see you next week.