If one more girl says to me "I feel like the guy in the relationship." I might murder someone! Actually I won't because hurting them will hurt me and unfortunately I'm not a masochist I'm an Empath.
A few weeks ago I was reading a wonderful book called "Confessions of a Sociopath." by E.M Thomas. A fantastic insight into the brain of a Sociopath who thought that Sociopaths are very misunderstood. And just like she thought that, I felt that Empaths are very misunderstood as well. And yes I did use the word "Thought" for her and "Felt" for my elf purposely.
It's really hard to explain what occurs inside the brain of an Empath, I tried to find research on the topic to present it in this blog series but there is so shamefully little out there. Hell, Google spell check doesn't even recognise the word Empath as a word... you have no idea how annoying it is to see that little squiggly red line under a word that perfectly describes who you are.
I guess I'll take you back to as far back as I can remember so I can give you a bit of an insight. Now pardon my English as it is not my first language so if there's a grammar mistake here or there, kindly smile and move on. Also pardon my pop-culture references as I am a nerd and I can't better express myself.
I was watching X-men First Class the other day and there was this one scene where young Charles Xavier says "I thought the voices were in my head first, then I realised that they're in everybody else's head.... I thought I was the only one out there." When I watched that scene I had a flashback to when I was 5 and my Mother came back home with my little brother wrapped in a tiny little baby blanket. He looked so ugly. I remember feeling Proud, Angry, Happy, Overwhelmed, Scared, Guilty, Bored, Uninterested, Anxious, Tired, Relieved and Unfaltering. Yes I actually felt all of that altogether.
I didn't even know the word for most of those feelings, they were so raw! I'll never forget that day, somehow I felt them altogether and individual. My heartbeat was moving up and down from emotion to emotion, I honestly felt that my heart decided that each emotion has a specific rate.If I have to visualise it. My heart was the drummer from Avenged Sevenfold and each emotion was a specific drum and my heart went "I fell like playing the drum solo from 'Beast and the Harlot'". After my heart settled down a bit and it was bed time, I asked my older brother (Who is a Sociopath by the way, but we'll get back to that in later entries) "How are you feeling?" and he said "Uninterested" when he said that word I felt like "Wait a moment, I had that feeling."
Then I asked my mother how she felt; she did find it odd that a 5 year old is asking that, but I really was curious. She said "Happy" but that's not what I felt around her, I felt a feeling I later learned to be called "Overwhelmed". When she said "Happy" and I didn't feel it around her I knew that something was off there. But I was five I couldn't quite put my hands on it. So I started probing further. I asked my father how he's feeling and he said "Proud" when he said proud I started trying to find the right frequency in my heart for that feeling.
I remember that experience like a scene from the show Sherlock. The BBC one with Benedict Cumberbatch. His thoughts floating in front of his head and he's trying to match them. When it's a wrong thought he just shakes his head and it goes away. That's how I felt. I tried to look for frequencies in my heart that matched the word "Proud" and then I got it! I assigned the word "Proud" to a specific feeling. I don't even know how I got that this feeling is pride, it just 'felt' right. Then I started going around asking every member in the family how they felt, luckily and unfortunately at the same time I had a HUGE family. 5 boys, 2 girls.
What really fascinated me is the way they answered, the boys would say "Happy" or "Sad" or "Tired" But the girls would say "I'm happy, but it's going to be a little tiring with the new baby." or "I feel good about the new baby, but I feel a bit overwhelmed because I have exams and the baby would be loud." I couldn't relate to the how the boys' were feeling at all, I remember wondering "How can you feel just one thing?" the girls' feelings ,however, I could understand a bit more. It was always two-three feelings at a time. But still I had about 9-10 feelings minimum... all the time I had that. And I still do.
Many people think I'm gay, and I'm completely okay with that. What I find absolutely reprehensible is a society where only women or gay people are allowed to have complex feelings. What most people think Empaths do is just pick up on other people's emotions and act based on emotions or be irrationally overemotional. The way it really is goes like this: here's a stream of consciousness from yesterday in a room full of friends that I wrote down, I'm gonna use letters for people's names to protect the privacy of people involved.
"Oh I'm late I hope B doesn't mind, oh look most people are late too that's cool. oh here's M I like being around her, she's always chill.... yup she's chill today too oh and she's excited about the upcoming vacation, oh but she's also a bit disappointed in the weather. oh B is here, daym that dude is stressed, not as stressed as last time though, I better set up and do my part to make him feel more relaxed. hahahaha look at J he's having the time of his life right there, that is so fun. Oh hi N, always nice to have another Empath around. Ok C easy easy... you're way too excited buddy, I like that but let me set up I'll be right with you. Oh C2 if only you try to have fun, common man you're here.... might as well."
I could go on and on but I think the thought process of "He is nervous so I'll do something to calm him down." Is the most rational process imaginable. so Empaths are not irrational at all. We just feel so many things all the time.
Remember that scene in "HP and The Order Of The Phoenix" where Hermoine goes "Don't you understand how she must be feeling? Well obviously she's feeling "Sad" about Cedric and therefor "Confused" about liking Harry and "Guilty" about kissing him. "Conflicted" because Umbridge is rushing to sack her mom from her job at the ministry and "Frightened" of failing her O.W.Ls because she's so busy "Worrying" about everything else." And then Ron says "One person couldn't feel all that, they'd explode!" Well basically I feel like that all the time... All the god forsaken time!
I'll end by saying that you'll never know true misery until you look at someone's eyes, feel their sadness and know in your heart that you can't do anything about it, it's truly soul crushing. But we wake up, we put on a smile and we try to make people feel better, because when they do we do.
I don't want to make the post too long so I'll add one more thing and stop, before I do that, I'll be posting one every week about how it's like to face the world as a male Empath and all the perils it brings.
As a fun extra I'll add how I'm feeling at the end of every post just to give you an insight about how we feel everyday, again I'll try to keep personal details out of the words to protect people involved
I feel "Overwhelmed" with my family and "Depressed" because my father has been severely ill, "Stressed" about an upcoming show and about monetary issues,"Shocked" about a very odd encounter I had last Friday, "Confused" about an ill defined relationship, "Hurt" because of something about a friend said, "Happy" that the summer is here, "Proud" to work with a production for charity, "Excited" about upcoming boat parties and "Conflicted" about feelings I have for someone.
So there you go, if you can relate or have something to add please say so in the comments section, I'll try to write every Wednesday. Next week I'll write about how empathy relates Altruism and the week after that (yes I'm giving a teaser) I'll write about how my empathy related to me becoming an Atheist.
A few weeks ago I was reading a wonderful book called "Confessions of a Sociopath." by E.M Thomas. A fantastic insight into the brain of a Sociopath who thought that Sociopaths are very misunderstood. And just like she thought that, I felt that Empaths are very misunderstood as well. And yes I did use the word "Thought" for her and "Felt" for my elf purposely.
It's really hard to explain what occurs inside the brain of an Empath, I tried to find research on the topic to present it in this blog series but there is so shamefully little out there. Hell, Google spell check doesn't even recognise the word Empath as a word... you have no idea how annoying it is to see that little squiggly red line under a word that perfectly describes who you are.
I guess I'll take you back to as far back as I can remember so I can give you a bit of an insight. Now pardon my English as it is not my first language so if there's a grammar mistake here or there, kindly smile and move on. Also pardon my pop-culture references as I am a nerd and I can't better express myself.
I was watching X-men First Class the other day and there was this one scene where young Charles Xavier says "I thought the voices were in my head first, then I realised that they're in everybody else's head.... I thought I was the only one out there." When I watched that scene I had a flashback to when I was 5 and my Mother came back home with my little brother wrapped in a tiny little baby blanket. He looked so ugly. I remember feeling Proud, Angry, Happy, Overwhelmed, Scared, Guilty, Bored, Uninterested, Anxious, Tired, Relieved and Unfaltering. Yes I actually felt all of that altogether.
I didn't even know the word for most of those feelings, they were so raw! I'll never forget that day, somehow I felt them altogether and individual. My heartbeat was moving up and down from emotion to emotion, I honestly felt that my heart decided that each emotion has a specific rate.If I have to visualise it. My heart was the drummer from Avenged Sevenfold and each emotion was a specific drum and my heart went "I fell like playing the drum solo from 'Beast and the Harlot'". After my heart settled down a bit and it was bed time, I asked my older brother (Who is a Sociopath by the way, but we'll get back to that in later entries) "How are you feeling?" and he said "Uninterested" when he said that word I felt like "Wait a moment, I had that feeling."
Then I asked my mother how she felt; she did find it odd that a 5 year old is asking that, but I really was curious. She said "Happy" but that's not what I felt around her, I felt a feeling I later learned to be called "Overwhelmed". When she said "Happy" and I didn't feel it around her I knew that something was off there. But I was five I couldn't quite put my hands on it. So I started probing further. I asked my father how he's feeling and he said "Proud" when he said proud I started trying to find the right frequency in my heart for that feeling.
I remember that experience like a scene from the show Sherlock. The BBC one with Benedict Cumberbatch. His thoughts floating in front of his head and he's trying to match them. When it's a wrong thought he just shakes his head and it goes away. That's how I felt. I tried to look for frequencies in my heart that matched the word "Proud" and then I got it! I assigned the word "Proud" to a specific feeling. I don't even know how I got that this feeling is pride, it just 'felt' right. Then I started going around asking every member in the family how they felt, luckily and unfortunately at the same time I had a HUGE family. 5 boys, 2 girls.
What really fascinated me is the way they answered, the boys would say "Happy" or "Sad" or "Tired" But the girls would say "I'm happy, but it's going to be a little tiring with the new baby." or "I feel good about the new baby, but I feel a bit overwhelmed because I have exams and the baby would be loud." I couldn't relate to the how the boys' were feeling at all, I remember wondering "How can you feel just one thing?" the girls' feelings ,however, I could understand a bit more. It was always two-three feelings at a time. But still I had about 9-10 feelings minimum... all the time I had that. And I still do.
Many people think I'm gay, and I'm completely okay with that. What I find absolutely reprehensible is a society where only women or gay people are allowed to have complex feelings. What most people think Empaths do is just pick up on other people's emotions and act based on emotions or be irrationally overemotional. The way it really is goes like this: here's a stream of consciousness from yesterday in a room full of friends that I wrote down, I'm gonna use letters for people's names to protect the privacy of people involved.
"Oh I'm late I hope B doesn't mind, oh look most people are late too that's cool. oh here's M I like being around her, she's always chill.... yup she's chill today too oh and she's excited about the upcoming vacation, oh but she's also a bit disappointed in the weather. oh B is here, daym that dude is stressed, not as stressed as last time though, I better set up and do my part to make him feel more relaxed. hahahaha look at J he's having the time of his life right there, that is so fun. Oh hi N, always nice to have another Empath around. Ok C easy easy... you're way too excited buddy, I like that but let me set up I'll be right with you. Oh C2 if only you try to have fun, common man you're here.... might as well."
I could go on and on but I think the thought process of "He is nervous so I'll do something to calm him down." Is the most rational process imaginable. so Empaths are not irrational at all. We just feel so many things all the time.
Remember that scene in "HP and The Order Of The Phoenix" where Hermoine goes "Don't you understand how she must be feeling? Well obviously she's feeling "Sad" about Cedric and therefor "Confused" about liking Harry and "Guilty" about kissing him. "Conflicted" because Umbridge is rushing to sack her mom from her job at the ministry and "Frightened" of failing her O.W.Ls because she's so busy "Worrying" about everything else." And then Ron says "One person couldn't feel all that, they'd explode!" Well basically I feel like that all the time... All the god forsaken time!
I'll end by saying that you'll never know true misery until you look at someone's eyes, feel their sadness and know in your heart that you can't do anything about it, it's truly soul crushing. But we wake up, we put on a smile and we try to make people feel better, because when they do we do.
I don't want to make the post too long so I'll add one more thing and stop, before I do that, I'll be posting one every week about how it's like to face the world as a male Empath and all the perils it brings.
As a fun extra I'll add how I'm feeling at the end of every post just to give you an insight about how we feel everyday, again I'll try to keep personal details out of the words to protect people involved
I feel "Overwhelmed" with my family and "Depressed" because my father has been severely ill, "Stressed" about an upcoming show and about monetary issues,"Shocked" about a very odd encounter I had last Friday, "Confused" about an ill defined relationship, "Hurt" because of something about a friend said, "Happy" that the summer is here, "Proud" to work with a production for charity, "Excited" about upcoming boat parties and "Conflicted" about feelings I have for someone.
So there you go, if you can relate or have something to add please say so in the comments section, I'll try to write every Wednesday. Next week I'll write about how empathy relates Altruism and the week after that (yes I'm giving a teaser) I'll write about how my empathy related to me becoming an Atheist.
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