The weekend started like any other, it was Friday night and I was laying in bed, firing at my neural inhibitors whatever my weapon of choice for that week was; may it be reading or writing, watching or listening, drinking or smoking, I did what i could to obleviate my self from reality and fly on one cloud or another.
Saturday morning came along and i woke up because you eventually you have to. I looked around the room, the chaos of which reminded me of how little time i spend there. I got up and made my way through the jungle of clothes and empty containers. I looked at the mirror and believed for a moment there that I'm fine.
I spent the morning like the night before, and then got ready to go meet a friend from the past. With her she carried tokens from my past, things of which I had let go (which is a term I prefer much more than reality 'things on which I had given up) and then I realised: I who looked at her in the past is not I who look at her now.
I was afflicted by who I am, who I was and what has became of me. I gazed at the token and started drowning, losing my self in the dark sea of my past. Memories like waves throwing me from one darkness into the other, rendering me unable to perceive the present or anticipate the future.
Time slipped away and suddenly it was the next day. I went about, keeping my afflictions to my self, not for the lack of words in my mouth but for the lack of ears around me. And just when thought I'm fine again I got smashed by the ghost of a former paramour befriending someone close to me and suddenly my whole world came crashing down.
Not because of their relationship but because of the reminder that this paramour was an oasis in the desert which is the lonliness that had befallen me in this strange land. A land in which I feel rejected, friendless and lost. That oasis, my former paramour, had at one point in this dark epoch, shaded me from the scorching desert sun in her embrace, had relinquished my thirst in her safe asylum, and in that shade I saw hope, but no more.
The oasis is no more and now there is just me and the desert. Exhausted by the merciless ball of fury of a sun, I look around and all I see is sand, misery and death. No escape from this maddening terrain, and with every wisp of wind more sand fills my eyes leaving me more and more blinded, imprisoned within the dark sea in my brain, condemned to eternal blackness.
And then the next day comes, and I'm obliged to put on my mask and go to work where I shall be belittled and ridiculed by people who make me lose faith in humanity.
And nine hours later I go back to the desert with the scorching sun and gloomy sand and I lay there soaked in helplessness and paralysed by blindness. And I wait.......
Saturday morning came along and i woke up because you eventually you have to. I looked around the room, the chaos of which reminded me of how little time i spend there. I got up and made my way through the jungle of clothes and empty containers. I looked at the mirror and believed for a moment there that I'm fine.
I spent the morning like the night before, and then got ready to go meet a friend from the past. With her she carried tokens from my past, things of which I had let go (which is a term I prefer much more than reality 'things on which I had given up) and then I realised: I who looked at her in the past is not I who look at her now.
I was afflicted by who I am, who I was and what has became of me. I gazed at the token and started drowning, losing my self in the dark sea of my past. Memories like waves throwing me from one darkness into the other, rendering me unable to perceive the present or anticipate the future.
Time slipped away and suddenly it was the next day. I went about, keeping my afflictions to my self, not for the lack of words in my mouth but for the lack of ears around me. And just when thought I'm fine again I got smashed by the ghost of a former paramour befriending someone close to me and suddenly my whole world came crashing down.
Not because of their relationship but because of the reminder that this paramour was an oasis in the desert which is the lonliness that had befallen me in this strange land. A land in which I feel rejected, friendless and lost. That oasis, my former paramour, had at one point in this dark epoch, shaded me from the scorching desert sun in her embrace, had relinquished my thirst in her safe asylum, and in that shade I saw hope, but no more.
The oasis is no more and now there is just me and the desert. Exhausted by the merciless ball of fury of a sun, I look around and all I see is sand, misery and death. No escape from this maddening terrain, and with every wisp of wind more sand fills my eyes leaving me more and more blinded, imprisoned within the dark sea in my brain, condemned to eternal blackness.
And then the next day comes, and I'm obliged to put on my mask and go to work where I shall be belittled and ridiculed by people who make me lose faith in humanity.
And nine hours later I go back to the desert with the scorching sun and gloomy sand and I lay there soaked in helplessness and paralysed by blindness. And I wait.......
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